To change a belief requires pain and action.

So I have been reading a book lately called Love Does, it isn't a very deep book and a quick read.  The message really is don't take yourself or life so seriously and just go and love.  Which is simple to say and the author does a great job saying it in pretty creative ways through some of the adventures and stories he has.  However, as I have let this message wash over me it is starting to become like the gospel message.  God loves me unconditionally, so much so that he sent his son here to show me how to live, love, and eventually to die in a way that provides me access to be in a relationship with this God that loves me so.  This message is pretty simply.  Sometimes I struggle with all the details, yet I get it and furthermore believe it.  Once we believe in simple messages like these, they can change the way you live.  They for sure change the way you think. 

For my whole life I believed that love could overcome adversity.  In other words when a relationship began to have cracks forming in it, yet there was enough love; love would fill in the cracks and heal it, or at least it could.  I have "loved" two women in my life.  One was in college, I fell in love with her, yet she had reservations or baggage...probably both.  Even though I was doing my best to "love" her, she proceeded to hold me at arms length and essentially "date" other guys while we were dating.  You could call this cheating I guess, it felt like that to me, but we weren't technically exclusive.  No matter the wording I felt betrayed.  In the end, she came back and tried but it was too late the damage had been done to our relationship.  The cracks were too big, it was necessary...probably the right word is easier, to just walk away.   I wrote that off to youth and her baggage, love was ultimately still powerful. 

The second woman I loved was my ex.  When we dated it was fun.  We clicked.  We met the needs that the other needed fulfilled for the most part and we travelled the path young lovers take.  We proclaimed our love and then together decided to get married.  As I look back there were red flags, but those things exist in every relationship.  Let's just call them trials and tribulations.  In many ways I liked the trials because as we persevered through them I thought we were getting stronger.  I know enough about human relationships to know there is truth in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  The unfortunate reality of life is that somethings do kill you. 

I have been living in hope for two years.  At first it was the hope that my wife would see the value in our relationship, that she would turn back from the path she had begun down and we could find each other again.  Since the divorce I have lived in the hope that she would come to the realization that we might not have been nor may ever be "perfect" for each other.  But we love each other, have a family together, and the fact that God bonded us together would overcome the reservations.  Then love could overcome this reality. 

So when do you start to doubt what you believe to be true?  How many times does it take for your "beliefs" to be proven false before you stop believeing in them and start believeing something else.  And then let that thing change who you are and how you think?  These questions could lead to bitterness and resentment.  I do not want any part of those feelings effecting the way I think or live.  Yet, the questions remain.  The truth is love doesn't conquer all, only two people refusing to let love die can. 

I think it is time to set down hope and move forward.  I am not sure what that means for me.  I do think that I need to be done allowing these false hopes control the way that I interact with her and the world.  She left me, then divorced me, is currently dating the same guy for 9 months...some would say get a clue.  It's hard to give up on a thing that you believe.  It's not like changing the color of your wall or buying a new car, it truly does require me to change the way that I think. 

So for Christmas this year since I won't be getting any other gifts I will be giving myself permission to put this relationship where it belongs- in the ground.  I have tried to do that a couple of ways symbolically this year, but now I think I am ready.  Honestly, it's not what I want, but like the song says, "you can't always get what you want".  When this year ends I will be doing my best to bury my feelings for my ex as well.  Wish me good luck.    

Most wonderful time of the year?

This is the time of year for family...traditions, meals, gifts, snuggling under blankets watching movies, playing with new toys, etc.  And tonight even though my daughters are in the next room sleeping peacefully I feel lonely.  I am sitting on my couch with my small but nice Christmas tree setting off a serine glow.....alone.  I miss my family, I miss my wife, I miss my marriage.  

I don't want to go through this season alone...again.  I did that on my birthday for the most part it was depressing.  I don't want to date...I want to reconcile my family. 

This is all so messy and so often sad..... 

It's not all bad, it's just at times its sad. 

when do you know you have healed?

When do you know if you are healed?  When I have hurt myself physically there is a set period of time while my body heals itself.  With some of the more severe that time was longer and some even required physical therapy.  The pain that this divorce and the actions leading up to it and some since have made a different kind of wound.  As I get further away I am starting to realize a few things. 

I thought this would forever change me for the worse. 

I thought this experience would damage my soul in a way that was unrepairable.

I thought I would be trapped, by self doubt, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc.

I thought a huge part of me had died.

I thought I would be worse off. 

I think I thought wrong. 

This will forever change me, but it doesn't have to be for the worse.  I am a more understanding, empathetic, kind person now than I was before...which is saying a lot I think.  My soul was damaged but as it heals I am finding the extent of what I am capable of and just how strong I am, oh yeah and faith is real.  I have self doubt, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc.  but these things are not trapping me.  There may have been bars made up pf these things for a while but those bars are starting to crumble.  A part of me has died.  When I married my ex I gave her my heart, I believe that we were bonded together in and through Christ, so when that is torn apart, not all of you can survive because of the way the bond works.  Yet, in the midst of that, a part of me is still alive.  Even though I miss my old life, my old every day thoughts, the way I used to make decisions,  the life I lead now isn't so bad.  In fact, I am really starting to like many parts of it. 

When do you know you are healed?  I'm not sure.  But as I check in, I can tell I have walked a long way down the path of recovery.  So maybe the best answer is when you start believing in hope, not as a concept but as a way of life. 

I could be all wrong though, I am a almost 39 years old, entry level employee, with few friends, a small house, a small bank account, old cloths, a bed that is kind of depressing for personal reasons, who sees his daughters far less than he would hope dude.  But, I am starting to actually smile, like a real smile, soul deep smile once and a while.  Stick that in your pipe and smoke it! 
  

24 hours of solitude and what did I learn?

I have spent the last two days sitting in a deer blind from before dawn to after dark.  I had a few moments when I had deer in front of me, but for the bulk of that time there was very little to hold my attention.  So where does your brain go when it is unfettered by daily tasks or to-do lists?  Well I don't know about you but mine floats to the large questions I have about life.  So what are the larger questions that a man who has drastically altered almost everything about his life in the past 12 months have?  What's for breakfast tomorrow. 

Ha! Well in some ways that is true you see for a long time now I have been living looking backwards and living minute to minute for the most part.  I think for the most part that is okay.  I think when you go through something that traumatic the way to heal is one hour, one step, one day at a time.  Healing is a seasonal thing.  I do not think that this season is over, yet I do think that at some point you have to start picking your head up and looking forward a bit. 

So:

1.  Is this job that I am currently doing good?  I am not asking am I doing a good job, I am.  I am asking "if" this is what I should do for this next season? 

2.  What should I be doing financially?  Goals, purpose, etc?

3.  To date or not to date?  I think I am still in love with my ex, so I believe that the answer to this question is no.  I have never been able to put someone in harms way for my own good.  That's why when I was at parties or bars and everyone was coupling/hooking up I was the one taking care of the sick, cleaning up or listening in the corner.  I could never just put myself first and disregard the others feelings no mater their state.  Even though this was frustrating at times when I was a hormonal teenager/twenty-something kid, I like this about myself.  And now that I am a much more mature hormonal almost 40 something male I do not want this life experience to rob me of that. 

4.  How can I be growing?  Personally, physically, emotionally, mentally and most importantly spiritually? 

5.  How am I taking risks, being vulnerable, etc? 

6.  Who am I helping?       

In conclusion, I am a mess.  I have been living away from my ex for almost a year in a week or two.  I know things about the limits of humanity that I can't unlearn.  I have been officially divorced for about 7 months.  I am coming up on my one year anniversary at my current job.  I am two weeks from being 39.  I am 6 months into a 30 or 20 year mortgage.... I can't actually remember which I signed at this minute!  My memory is still foggy from the crap and so clogged with part numbers and fun facts about my new job, that I forget  even big details like the term of my mortgage.  (I knew how many months my wife and I had left in our previous mortgages.)   I have been knocked to the ground, but I'm not dead.  I have been regrouping and who knows what this next round will bring. 

the fragility of the world

My daughter was a premie.  She should have died in the womb.  The doctors told us she would.  IN fact the doctor wouldn't let us leave his consultation room until we began the mourning process.  We left went home and started to mourn the baby we had tried so desperately to have, who was still alive inside of my wife.  Long story short about 10 long weeks later I was driving like a mad man to a hospital, running through hallways, hopping on one foot putting a surgical suit on, entering a room along with a Neonatal rapid response team and watched the surgeon make her incision on my ex's abdomen for an emergency C-section.  Then they removed the baby quickly handed her over to the team and I sat between my wife who was cut open and bleeding with some of her insides on the outsides and my 3 lb 8oz infant daughter being worked on by 5-6 people trying desperately to get her to breath so I wouldn't have to watch her die within my arms reach.   The had to intubate her and put her on a vent.  Then they wheeled her away and she was gone.  I wasn't sure I was going to see her alive again.   They put my wife back together, stapled, and taped her shut.  I think that day I discovered how fragile life actually is...

I never really knew how fragile marriages are?  I grew up with parents who fought through and stayed together.  My grandma lost her first love to WWII but she stayed with her 2nd husband until he died in a room in the same hospital my daughter was born in.  My other grandparents stayed together until Alzheimer's stole my grandma's mind and eventually her life.  Aunts/Uncles/cousins for the most part.  Friends.  Not entirely, but in many ways I guess I was sheltered from the reality of the truth about this type of relationship.  I guess as I got older it began to dawn on me a little as acquaintances, a few family members, etc. walked the road of divorce.  I knew my marriage was less than perfect, but I also knew there were no perfect marriages and I just assumed you stayed together and fought together to keep your family intact.  I thought that if you have two good people, two people who don't believe in divorce, don't give up on really anything in life, love each other and love their family that divorce just wasn't an option. 

I talked to a friend this weekend, they found out something tragic about their marriage.  I could hear the confusion, rage, frustration and below that I could hear the hurt, pain, betrayal but what struck me to tears was the confusion...the shock.   I was transported back to a few sleepless nights.  Nights I spent racking my brain and heart.  Why?   How did we get here?  Am I so worthless to her?  So easy to throw away?  How could something like this happen to us...to me? 

The truth of it all is everything is fragile, even though we try to blind ourselves to that truth.  Houses burn down.  Car accidents happen in the blink of an eye.  Cancer steals lives in every condition.  Stock markets fail.  People lie.  Companies go bankrupt and/or downsize.  Friends leave.  Spouses betray.  Children turn their backs on their parents.  To coin a phrase shit happens.  The Bible says that our lives are but a wisp of smoke or a blade of grass.  Our lives are but blips in the world, in time, in the galaxy. 

Yet, I believe that we are each valued and priceless.  We will fail, we will betray, we will be let down, we will be hurt, we will lose, but we will also love if we are lucky, we will recognize grace, mercy, an identity not rooted in success, money, power, etc but in kindness, love and an entity that has perfect love for us and is capable of grace in the midst of that perfection. 

So yes everything is fragile, and will fall apart...but we have hope, we have access to strength we cannot fathom the depths of and best of all we are loved. 

I am loved!

Look through the symptoms to the root

I have started watching House MD on Netflix, it is an interesting show.  This cantankerous doctor with a back story, that has wounded him, is a brilliant diagnostician. He is like the Sherlock Holms of doctors.  I have noticed two things one he is constantly trying to decipher all the symptoms and/or causes seeking to almost get them out of the way to get to the root cause.  The other thing he has said often is everyone lies. 
As I look back at the marriage that I shared with my ex before the last year, I think we had good things and bad things going on..like every marriage.  But if I look at it from here, at a distance, I notice that we had a broken defense system.  What does that mean?  It means we never really figured out how to get through the bad stuff together.  So when they came we reacted to them, often times individually.   Yet, we didn't have the ability to walk through them together.  To use the metaphor here, our body had no real immune system.  So when the little crummy things of life happened bumps, bruises, illness we would wipe some salve on it or take a pill and then move on.  Which at first is not that big of a deal.  But eventually something big happens and the anemic, battered body that you bring to the table when something big happens cannot get through it. 

Okay let's climb out of the metaphor before I get too lost in it.  We never really learned how to communicate, we surely never learned how to conflict.  Part of that stemmed back to issues we brought to the table individually.  Our conflict styles did not match up, we would have needed to work very hard and extremely intentionally to accomplish healthy conflict.  We didn't do that.

We never took the time to really figure what we loved to do together.  We knew what we loved to do individually and sometimes we would include the other on our terms.  But we never spent enough time or energy figuring out the things that would create an environment of health as a regularly communicating team outside of the ordinary daily details or conflict.

I think we were so focused on growing up ourselves and raising our daughters that we stopped even thinking about growing our relationship.  

It's funny when we started dating we were headed in the right direction.  We didn't even kiss for months because we knew that this gets in the way of communicating and we wanted to focus on getting to know eachother not just focus on the next time we were going to kiss.  We prayed together, trying to include the other in our intimate relationships with God.  We read devo's and books commenting on the things that stood out to us.  We spent much of our time in groups, so we intentionally set apart a night a week where we could be alone on a date just us.  In my mind the way we began was on a pretty solid foundation.   We even attempted to do this when we were first married, but careers, expectations from family, friends, and probably most importantly the unmet ones from each other began to pile up between us.

To slip back into the metaphor, our main arteries to the heart of our marriage began to clog.  It was subtle at first, then a couple of big blockages landed infertility and unmet financial obligation.  In some way we knew these things were there, that they were slowly killing us, but as long as we didn't "mess" around with them we were "okay". 

So we had "lots" of symptoms, but what was the root cause.  Because the truth is we are both lovely, intelligent, hard working, caring, people.  We have supportive families who love us and loved our spouses, they aren't perfect but humans never are.  We share many stories, memories, bonds, got through infertility to have two beautiful daughters, worked hard in our careers and stood out among our peers.  We even love each other. 

Love- well that is an interesting thing.  Now we may be on to something.  There is a piece of scripture from the message that goes like this: The eyes are the windows into your body.  If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light.  If you live squinty eyes in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar.  If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have.  This is not a scripture about marriage but it applies so well here.  We choose over and over again to live squinty-eyed, greedy to put it bluntly.  It wasn't that we didn't love each other, the problem was we loved ourselves more. 

The root problem was we were human.     We avoided awkward situations and uncomfortable conversations....we were selfish...  in the end that's what tore us apart.  It wasn't the symptoms though there were many.  We forgot to open our eyes wide in wonder and belief that this other person was more important than we were and that they were worth sacrificing our own self love for any day of the week.   The funny thing is that didn't have to kill us, to be honest it still doesn't.  But we will probably carry on making the same mistakes and falling prey to the same symptoms again and again.  I believe that we could fix us, the us that we never gave a fair shot, the us God put together to make us more whole with Him, the us that loves our daughters to infinity.   But we won't. 



 

Sometimes the small wins add up to something big

Yesterday I talked to some folks about how we can allow failure to define us.  As I was telling them that failure need not define us and fear of failure need not hold us back, I thought about me.  Have I done this?  Sure.  I allowed the fear of how my ex would react hold me back from confronting the ways that I felt we were slipping away.  I tried in my letter writing ways to reconnect, yet when those ways were ignored for the most part, I should have stood up and took a swing.  Instead I leaned back and let the ways that she continued to drift away just progress on like a fall leaf in a stream.  I understand that it was not just my job to keep us together, but someone had to, why not me?  I guess I knew I wasn't meeting her expectations of a husband a long time ago.  I also think that I was hoping that my strengths would out weigh my weaknesses in her eyes.  Obviously, in the end the scaled tipped the wrong way in her heart anyway and we are where we are. 

Yet, now I am in that everyday sort of fight where you roll over in the morning turn the alarm off and say I am not going to let the "I'm not good enough" lie I was told to define me and I am going to choose to believe that my identity resides in the one who loves me, created me and leads me.  Sometimes that works all day, sometimes that works until I put my feet on the ground, sometimes that works until I drop my kids of at the ex's and her BF and family are there and my youngest runs in with such excitement she forgets to give me a hug or say good bye.  Sometimes in the midst of being an afterthought for her I hear those old messages again. 

My youngest child's new question for me is why don't we see you hardly at all?  I hate this question, because she has been following it with do you miss us when we are gone?  Yes!  Do you cry sometimes?  Yep?  She gave me a stuffed animal to sleep with, I have been sleeping with it every night.  Some may see that as pitiful, not me.  I love my girls from the beginning to the end of who I am and I miss the hell out of them when I can't be with them.  A gift of love from my little one to remind me that she loves me is just what I need when I turn off the distractions and try to find sweet dreams and an anchor that will remind me I am not who my ex says that I am. 

You see I know in my heart that I am great!   I am smart, I am caring, I am a great listener, very perceptive, an intuitive empathizer, I have a great laugh, can hug with the best of them and give a killer massage among other skills and talents.  I am not weak, or a non-person, a small man, crappy husband, shitty salesman, bad conversationalist, worse arguer, unskilled or dumb.  I know that!  But sometimes its hard to remember, it's hard to not let my failure define me or the ways I was judged leading up to that epic failure not become my reality.  Today I am further along the road than I was last week, last month, last year....the voice is still there, but it is quieter for the most part.   I'll take that as a victory!

Pandora's box

Have you ever heard of the story of Pandora's box?  Pandora was given a box and told never to open it.  Of course in the end it was opened releasing envy, sickness, hate, disease, etc.   This divorce, the catastrophic things that happened leading up to it, and the wreckage that exists since has been a plague for me.  I have had to confront each of the evil spirits that "escaped" from the box on this journey.  Envy: I have been envious of people with seemingly healthier marriages/relationships than me, of the people my ex choose to reveal her inner most being too instead of me, of my ex and her time with our daughters, of the new BF(though it pains me to say that), etc.  I have felt sick both physically and emotionally over this whole affair.  When this was all going down my heart would begin to pound, I don't mean beat faster than normal, I mean pound I felt as if it would jump out of my chest and it literally caused me pain. It has happened a few times since when I allow my brain to reenter/probe those memories and emotions again.  The emotionally sickness is ongoing, I'm not sure of the total repercussions of them yet.   Hate....I can honestly say that I have never hated another person in my life.  Yet,, I had to come to this conclusion, I had to make the choice not to hate.  Because quite honestly there were people in this scenario that I reallllly wanted to hate.  Like a lot!  So even though I didn't fall down the rabbit hole, I had to stand there and let hate wash over me, tempt me if you will, and there were parts of it that felt right or at least just.  But it was just too easy, I knew there must be a catch and I believe if I would have succumbed I would have lost myself forever and it would have been a slippery slope from there to who knows where else.  Despair- I believe that this has been the most life threatening thing that has happened.  There were moments when I wasn't sure what to do, the pain and sadness came close to swallowing me whole.  I still have moments where these emotions sneak up on me, but for the most part I am becoming numb or at least aware enough to head them off before they overtake me.  Regret- I am not sure if this is evil?  Yet, I regret giving up, I regret making choices and taking actions that helped make it easier for my wife to believe divorce was a better option than marriage to me.  Judgement- Here again I am not sure this is evil.  Yet, I think when you allow something to control how you see yourself you have given it too much power over your life and that has evil written all over it to me.  I know I am judged.  At work I am the tarnished pastor who has run to a weld shop.  With others I am the damaged goods of a divorce.  At church I am someone who either screwed up bad or deserves pity.  To my ex she now treats me nice hoping to keep the peace(I think) as well as assuage her guilt over the pain she caused.  But just behind it are these reasons she left me, the things she said to me in anger, the way she treated me, the times she lost her temper, who she choose to spend time with and what she did when she was there, etc.  And perhaps the worst judgement of all now is me.  I wasn't good enough, man enough, strong enough, rich enough, safe enough, loving enough, smart enough, selfless enough, bold enough, courageous enough, good looking enough, intentional enough,...when it comes right down to it I know that I wasn't enough and I failed.  Failed at the thing that I was most passionate about and cared the most about in my life.  If I cannot succeed at that, what's worth fighting for or believing in? 

The rest of the Pandora's story is different depending on who tells it, because what was left in the box was hope.  Hope is a curious thing.  I can tell you honestly I had hope for our marriage, right up until the last day, when I walked to the court and stood behind my wife and her lawyer and listened to her answer the 4 or 5 questions that tore our family apart for good. (Two secrets:  She wanted to talk afterwards and I couldn't, I couldn't have her see me cry.  I almost ran to my car to weep and then numbly drove back to work where my co-workers graciously, for the most part ignored me and my puffy red eyes.  The second secret is even this hasn't completely killed my hope.  I know I'm an idiot and a glutton for punishment.  I believe that my ex was my person, she didn't complete me like some stupid rom-com, but she was, she is the person God bonded me to and that's it for me.  I am eternally bonded to her, no matter who she is dating, sleeping next to, etc.)  In spite of those secrets, hope is strange.  You see I have hope, not that everything will be better or normal...I wish yet I am not that naïve.  I have hope that this will not destroy me. No matter how idiotic my heart is yearning for a dead relationship.  No matter how painful this is or how little of "me" remains in the wake of all this.  No matter if the only great things in my life continue to be almost exclusively the time I spend with my daughters and the time I am looking forward to spending with them.  I have hope that I can learn to smile again.  Right now I smile with my mouth and it feels forced.  I grew up smiling from my soul and it would radiate from my whole face.  I can remember catching people of guard with my smile, not because it was striking or handsome, I am too scared for that, but it was authentic and I believe magnetic.  I just hope that my smile can spread from my mouth to my eyes and then maybe seep into the more important places.  There for a while my girls were yelling at me to smile, so I have tried to be intentional about it, but it's hard.  My heart hurts and is sad all the time and that's where my smiles came from.  So yeah I have hope that I learn to smile sometime.  Beyond that I hope that God lead's my path, path through this mine field , path of sorrow and grieving, path to substance again, path to feel like I have worth, path away from the judgments, the temptations of thinking about the life that ex is continuing on with, without me, about what she is doing with her Bf whether that be with my girls and his kids or when they are alone. (Especially when they are alone, I really hate that I have to think about this!!!!!) The path toward peace and contentment with where and who I am.  Essentially the path of life instead of death.    

made it through but in the process realized... another anniversary.

So I survived the week at the ex's, it really didn't turn out that bad... Well all up until the last night.  This was the first night I didn't collapse into bed exhausted I actually had some energy left at the end of the night, I may have had a Wicked Ale and my ex texted me about something to which I replied and then we just sort of texted back and forth for a while.  While we were texting I rolled up to bed as it was about time for me to cash in my chips.  I closed the door to my daughters room and noticed a poster.  It was a written note to my daughters from my ex in poster form and it was great.  I quickly ran to my younger daughter's room and sure enough she had one too.  They were just these little pieces of advice, but they were good.(minus the whole tearing our family apart instead of repairing the damage and reconnecting my ex is a great mom! Seriously!)  They both ended with something to the effect of don't let fear hold you back.  I am not sure what prompted me to do it, if it was that place , the nostalgia, the fun I was having with the girls, the fun banter we were having over text or what, but I sent a text to the effect of I wish I would have had the courage to not give up on our marriage. This sentiment is true. It was moment of vulnerability.  Which is okay for me to be, but maybe not with my ex so much... we have been winning this divorce thing and I don't want to be the reason we grow awkward or more distant.  

I got thinking about that moment and what might be behind that statement.  I think I just got tired of feeling like I was the only one refusing to walk away from our marriage, sick of being thought of and treated like yesterdays mistakes/trash, tired of being avoided and withdrawn from and so when she made another attempt to end it, I finally acquiesced.  If you have read this blog you know I am very much aware of my faults and mistakes; that I have owned, feel badly about and apologized for each of them.  Yet, where I know a marriage is made up of two faulty people, it is also kept together by two people refusing to quit.  My ex quit our marriage before I did.  I am not sure why she stuck around as long as she did, I think she was waiting for me to quit too?  One possibility that I pray is not true is she may have stuck it out if I would have done the same.  I don't think that's true given all the extenuating circumstances that surrounded our end, but it is something I will never have a complete answer too and will probably haunt me forever.  Was I just not strong enough....again?   

It has almost been a year since that fateful day when she told me we were done and I needed to figure out when I was going to move out. (Almost a year can it be that long...I can't believe it has only been one year...) So maybe I should put this down, how has this year been?    

Helpful:
Writing here, a few great friends who care, great family who love me all the time, running, good job that keeps me actively working- occupying my time, paying the bills and giving me something new to learn, beer at times, reading Bible, praying, up north, a church family that has given me space to transition and grieve yet allowed me to still employ the gifts and experience I have in the ministry world.

Not so helpful:
Down time for my brain to wander, my best friend moving away, seeing my daughters not nearly as much as I want to, other stuff probably the tangled mess this has made of me inside and out, too much beer, feeling sorry for myself, taking on other peoples judgments including if not most importantly my ex's. 

I wonder what a prison cell feels like?

So my ex is travelling for work and I agreed to stay at her house to hang out with my little ladies.  The idea was solid, and really it continues to be...but.  Yeah this whole journey has been full with yeah buts.  Life is messy. 

My girls board the bus here, their school clothes are here, their school routine begins and ends here, they are safe here... it was our home and it remains their home. 

On the way here they were telling me how they had a sleepover here this weekend.  With the Bf and his kids.  They all slept downstairs...all except mommy and BF.  Uggg!  I tucked my girls in, in our old bedroom and I had this sick feeling in my gut.  I couldn't help myself, I wonder what happened in here lately, what happened in here this weekend...two nights ago.  I don't want to think about it!  I try to block any route to this ugly scene in my imagination.  I have managed to do that for the most part, but going to sleep tonight... I dread that, because then I will lose control.  Night time tends to be bad at times.  Sometimes it's not, my guess is tonight will be one of the bad ones. 

I am here where many bad things went down, where I found out things about my wife, my marriage, my identity.... one of the last times I was here I left a note.  Something to the effect of, "I wish this didn't go this way."  I still wish that.  And tonight I can honestly say I am scared, scared of the ghosts that live in these walls for me.  I cannot bring myself to sleep in "that" room, so I will be sleeping in one of my daughters rooms or maybe the couch?  Or maybe I will just skip sleep...nah can't do that I have to work the rest of the week.   Tempting though.  

I guess I will just chalk this up as one more thing that I have done for my daughters, for whom I would travel to hell and back for.   If you are the praying sort...pray for me.  

first, first day of school

Tomorrow is the first day of school for my daughters.  Normally, I would have spent the weekend at Mackinaw Island as a last hurrah of the summer before with them. We would have eaten good food, played in the hotel hot tub, ridden around the island, and laughed.  On the way home we would have talked about what food they wanted to eat for lunch.  We would have picked out their outfits, I would have hugged them both, prayed with at least one of them, and sat in their room until they drifted off to sleep.  That is what my heart longs to do, that is what I know to be the right thing for me to have done tonight. 

Instead I am sitting on my couch typing this having called them on the phone and tried to pick up the few things they shared with me over speaker phone. About the weekend on the island and then the day spent not with me but with my ex and her BF's family.  Yet, they are excited about their first day and I am so happy for them.  And when I got off the phone with them I bawled like a baby. 

Blogging about all this is interesting.  Opening my soul to no one in particular, sharing the pain, the confusion, the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the betrayal, the loss.....I am not sure what good it is doing?  I know that at times it helps to put the tangled mess I feel inside down here, yet words rarely do justice to the feelings.  I believe this lack of being able to communicate my feelings in a way that is understandable is among the reasons that I find myself in this crappy situation in the first place.  Maybe I should be working on expressing myself verbally, instead of constantly writing everything down?  That may be true, yet this is what I have for now.  Since it is helping at least a bit I will continue for now. 

What's the point

So I have a curious question to pose or that I have been asking myself.  I wonder if I didn't have my daughters just how far down the rabbits hole I would slide?  I mean that as a broad term:  morally, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc.  I know that I have the Holy Spirit to guide me and I know He is active in my life, yet that voice is easy to drown out or ignore all together. 

I feel the icy cold fingers of depression grasping at my heart.  I cannot explain it better than that, it is a feeling of numbness and withdrawal.  I have a routine now that is pretty stable especially as I am about to enter back into the school year with my girls.  Get up, clean up, eat up, read up, work.  Come home if it is a girls night cook food, hang out, try to get them to talk and share( they seem so cautious to tell me about their days, which is weird as I don't pry or react strangely I just want to know about their lives.).  Then we either jump in car and scream to the south side of town to get home by the minute I mentioned to ex so she won't text me 5 times about where I am or we clean up and pretty much get ready for bed.  The school year night that I have them I also work at a church so I will rarely see my oldest before bedtime and my youngest will be in activities until it is time to scream home to get to bed.  If it is an off night, no girls, I run errands, sometimes real sometimes contrived to get out of house, I run, I eat, I watch TV, I go to sleep.  Repeat... Then weekend comes.  Here again Girls = fun.  Activities, up north, cousins, movies, games, etc.  If off, no girls, hopefully work on the am Sat, small project if I can find one around home, run, eat, drink, TV.  Sleep.  Church, parents, girls, eat, drive them home, TV or read and sleep.  REPEAT. 

The highlights of my week are the girls.  But especially during the school year its hard.  I get them what feels like so rarely, definitely not 50/50!, and when I am with them it is great but it is shadowed.  We are not the family we are supposed to be, we are missing someone, we are constantly rushed or meeting some deadline.  The shadow is hard.  Back to the icy fingers.

I have a hobby running and this time of the year hunting.  Which is great but both of these hobbies give me so much alone time and that is something I have a lot of right now.  I was talking to a friend who is a few steps behind me and he said that if his marriage falls apart as it looks like it is going to he would be perfectly content living up north alone somewhere.  I get this feeling, I am an introvert.  But we all need people in our lives.  There was a study done a while ago with babies in Russia.  I don't remember all the details but the results were that we need meaningful physical contact with other people a few times a day to stay sane for the most part.  It is good that I have a mom and a few daughters because besides them I haven't had a person in my life who was or is intentional about this in such a long time and now I wonder if that will ever change? 

I have had a few folks ask me when I am going to start dating.  I have told them this line about needing to be healthy by myself first.  What I wanted to say was I did that, I got married, I still love her and I always will.  When I said I do I meant forever., but I didn't say that.   Beyond that fact, I don't want to date.  I think about it and it makes me cringe.  I am so afraid of allowing someone to get to know me, the real me, and I am not even sure which version of me is real after all the wounds and scars of this travesty.  I know I am lonely, but it's not worth the risk of my or another's heart.  At least this hasn't made me selfish, I can still think of others.

To be very transparent I believe that divorce is a tool of Satan.  You don't have to believe in Satan or if that name drives you crazy, maybe if I said I believe divorce is evil.  It tore my family apart, my daughters are doomed to live this hop scotch life until they are old enough to get the F off the crazy train and even then they will have to choose how and when to see us both.  They get to feel guilt, shame, loss, sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal, confusion, etc.  My ex's and my union is destroyed, but you don't just divorce and that's it, sign the papers and you are good to go.  Nope!  We have entangled in the kind of permanent way that we will never be able to neatly pull apart.  Firstly we have kids together and that won't ever change.  But we also have shared so much life, survived trials, experienced joys, held each other in sadness, witnessed awkward, painful, embarrassing, horrible events.  Shared intimate moments not just the ones we were naked for, the ones where we bared our souls.  Even the pain we inflicted on each other has a way of bonding us.  Besides all that we stood in front of friends, family and most importantly God and promised in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, til death end us.  All of those things and more make it impossible, no matter the success stories that exist.  So I say it is evil.  Like many evil things them seem "right", "good", "just", "feels right", etc.  in the beginning or maybe for a while.  But all along under the surface it is causing havoc.  I can't speak for my ex, but for me...I am broken.  My heart is shattered, I am lonely, I am ashamed, I have no self confidence left(for example I ran a race, my ex happened to run it too she passed me at the very end I could have kept up with her I even considered passing her, but then I thought of what's the point, I slowed way down and thought about walking of the course), I am sad, I am furious, I feel weighed and worthless, I feel wronged, I don't know how to trust anymore, I assume the worst. (I was running past a parking lot the other week and I watched a woman jump out of her car and into a guys truck and start making out, I assumed they were having an affair not that it was some happy couple.)  I am jealous.  Yeah.... I am broken.  Divorce worked it's evil on me, chewed me up and the version of me that is left is worthless. 

Yet, I will solider on, I will hope for better(though I doubt it's arrival), I will try to put on a smile(maybe someday it will form without me having to force it), I will pray for healing, I will strive to be a good dad no matter what. I will keep forgiving my ex and seeking peace, I will restrain all of the feelings I have to pound her new BF's face in, and to not judge the Brady Bunch life style they are moving towards. In a sentence I will try to hold onto the tiny piece of me that is left and hope to God that I don't lose my grip.          

Tearing apart one flesh in messy

I am about to go on my first vacation as a single person...single parent that is.  I am looking forward to it, I am looking forward to 4 days off in a row. I don't  a lot of vacation yet as I recently changed careers and had to start towards the bottom of the ladder, so I am making a weekend long to make the most of my few days of vacation.  I think it will be fun...yet   there is something that is just not right about it. 

I was talking with a friend the other day and the word I used is I am in mourning.  Mourning what should not have happened, mourning the loss of so many things in my everyday and long term life, mourning what my daughters have to go through, mourning the roll I played in all of this, mourning a lot I guess.  It feels like the right word.  A while ago I was chatting with a man who had lost his wife to cancer and he was trudging through his own mourning process and he said that he thought I had it worse because my wife was gone and she choose to leave me.... ouch!  But yeah that's true.  I was reminiscing with some friends who are moving soon a few nights ago and we pointed out a few red flags, but overall we concluded it was just sad that it had come to this. 

I believe in a healthy marriage your spouse is constantly on your mind, the way you make choices, the things you decide to do, the where and then when you go places, in a mysterious way they are always there.  I think this is what the Bible refers to as one flesh.  Some people think that only refers to sex or a physical union, which is of course part of it, but I believe it is so much more.  This is how I lived, or tried very hard to live, for 13 years.  I constantly had my ex on my heart and my mind, she influenced my whole being. (I think she saw this as weakness in me...at least that's what she said to me during our not so great months.  I didn't have my own personality or I was a non-person...something like that.  it was mostly angry talk, but there is always some raw truth in angry talk.) It is very difficult and messy to untangle myself from that existence.  I find I am constantly catching myself doing this.  I have heard a theory that it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married to be healthy as a single entity.  That means this road is at least  3 years long... That also would mean that my ex is jumping into a relationship way too fast.  I pray that she is an anomaly.  Because she doesn't go alone she is bringing our two precious daughters along.  Eventually, maybe, I will have to cross that bridge too.  (Maybe not...)  Regardless, I pray that I continue to have the strength and the patience to get to a healthy place.  Healthy for me and my daughters. 

The next post perhaps I will talk about the small voice I am hearing in the back of my heart about ministry...perhaps not. 
Good night!

being left again

Sidebar from the divorce journey:
So one of the things that I basically gave up trying to appease and win approval from my ex was I distanced myself from my friends.  During the days leading up to the divorce I spent quite a bit of time rekindling some old relationships.  It has been great.  To be around people who love me and have known me for eons.  Two weeks ago I found out my best friend and one of these newly rekindled close relationships informed me that he was moving to Florida.  

On top of everything else going down this feels a little overwhelming.  I am happy for their family unit and this new adventure, but I am sad.  Honestly I am heartbroken.  The pieces of my heart that exist have been ground into smaller pieces. 
This sounds and feels like whining.  And I guess that is what it is....but still.  At least this time I'm not being rejected, just left.

What bothers me

So I got to meet the BF this past weekend...long story short had a little incident that required a quick visit to the emergency room for one of my daughters while they were with my ex and her BF.  So I was able to slap eyes on him and stand awkwardly in a waiting room while the ex changed the girls before I took them.  We proceeded to do what guys do in awkward situations we ignored each other.  It was weird. 
My ex told me she was set up by some friends with this guy..... It feels like to me that this may not indeed be true.  I don't know why this matters, I guess it just bugs me to be lied to again.  My guess is a dating site.  Not that it changes anything or should.  Mostly I just feel...I am not sure the right word- angry(maybe), disgusted(maybe), jealous(maybe), bothered...that's not a complete word but in lieu of a better one it will do. 
I am bothered, bothered by this whole situation.  Not just the fact that my ex is dating doing who knows what with this guy.  Of that I am certainly bothered.  But it is more than just this.  It is more than being betrayed, more than being lied too, more than being judged, more than being rejected, more than being erased from one half of my extended family, and ripped from my home and majority of the time with my daughters.  All of those things suck.... hard!
Maybe a little window into my soul, with help frame this.  I love people, I grew up an eternal optimist.  I get sucked in by love stories, I am a hopeless romantic.  I love to treat woman....well.  I actually enjoy watching rom-com's.  I love to laugh.  I have lived most of my life with joy in my soul.  This is my identity, it is how I was created and how I was nurtured to be.  I am bothered because I feel like this identity is destroyed.  It took a lot.  I am not sure how or even if I can ever recover it and if I do will I ever be close to the same again?  I don't have to guess.....I know the answer.  That is what bothers me.         

I don't have a snappy title

So today I feel alone.  True I could go sign up for match.com and find a compatible person out there who I could spend time with.. but honestly I was placed together with my life mate 13 years ago and I don't know how to undo that?  I guess I will just move forward and try to figure it out along the way, but for now I miss my family, I miss the woman I promised to stand next to no matter what.  I feel like that vow has not expired even though biblically and legally it has because of her choices. I still want to and feel like I should be with my wife and my family.  Not living mostly alone in this house. 
Who knows?  Life goes on... 

I wish it didn't have to.... I wish it could be different, I wish I could go back in time and undo the junk and accomplish the things that seem so important to my ex so we could still be together...

If only........

Yeah but who am I really

So I just reread my last post... is that okay?  As an inexperienced blogger I am not sure of the etiquette?  Well regardless I reread and I feel like I blamed.  It is so easy to blame, isn't it?  Whenever you are in a situation that is sketchy or problematic find a scapegoat, a reason, someone else who is to blame.   In my last post overall you may have read that and thought that I was innocent and that my ex was a heathen, bully.  And perhaps she did bully me at times to win arguments, but I was not innocent of faulty communication.

Do you want to know how I communicated with my wife most honestly, most openly..... It was through letters and emails.   And truth be told I talked about intimacy wayyyyyy too much.  I am a guy and intimacy means a lot to me, emotionally, egotistically, physically, even spiritually.  But I was very focused on this part of our relationship, perhaps it was because it was non-existent?  But there I go again blaming.  I am sure my ex felt like I was a broken record and that I was a coward because I would mostly address these issues by letter or email.  I could explain them away by saying I was trying to avoid another rejection, but I think I was just scared. 

I am trying to figure out who I am without this woman in my life and it really is a struggle.  My life's focus was about her for so many years that I am having a hard time re-centering my life and my focus.  She had a hard day the other day and when I dropped off the girls she needed a hug... So as I was about to leave I turned around and offered her comfort.  It was second nature and it felt weird...weird and good.  As sad as this is it was the longest time of physical contract I had from someone that wasn't my mom or my daughter. All I did was let her cry on my shoulder and then I left.  It didn't mean anything.  But....I still had to wake up to a dream of us back together... I hate those dreams they are so depressing.  I wake up happy and then as I come to I remember all over again that in reality my family has been ripped apart.  The woman I love rejected me to the core, feeling fine about moving on twice before we were even divorced. 

So who am I without her?  I am not sure really.  I know something's.  I love my daughters to infinity and beyond.  I am a man who has a good and pure heart.  I love other people no matter what.  I think deeply, I feel deeply.  I don't like to let people down.  I want the very best for my daughters. However I also know I am broken: betrayal, rejection, judgment, etc. have taken their toll on me to the very core of who I am and it has set me adrift.  

However, I trust in the peace, grace and love of God that He will mold the broken pieces of me back into a shape that is okay.  

So yes I miss my family...I miss my wife... We didn't have an intimate relationship physically, but what we had was intimate in a different way and I miss that.  How easy it was to be vulnerable around her and how easy she was to feel vulnerable around me.  I can remember carrying her up the satirs when she broke her foot, I can remember taking care of her when she was sick, I remember being there when she just couldn't do it anymore...I have mentioned this before I miss feeling needed.  For the most part I truly feel like an afterthought.  

For now know that I am broken but okay.  It wasn't all my ex's fault as much as I want to blame her.  And I will survive and if you find yourself in this situation you will too, no mater how powerful the urges are to blame, rant, rave, etc.  fight them and fight to find yourself amidst the pain.

Happy Anniversary

So 13 years ago I was at my wedding reception.... it was a fun night.  Over the years our anniversary was different.  Our first we celebrated in Traverse city, that was nice and fun.  Admittedly I do not remember them all, but what I do remember is the fade.  They went from a big deal on both of our parts, to me trying to pull of a nice present the day after her birthday, her birthday in July 19th, and her seeming to force it.  At least that was how it felt for the last few, an after thought. 

The further away from my marriage I am the more I am getting it.  My ex was(is) a very busy woman.  Constantly on the go, she would probably chime in right now and say she didn't have a choice, but the truth is from the day I met her she thrived with her plate full.  So I wrote off so many of the times where she put me and our relationship at the bottom of the priority list.  It was easy to explain away, she really was crazy busy and her free time was devoted to her daughters, extended family and friends...what little she had.  We had a few conversations about this and then we had a few arguments about it, in the end it just was what it was.  But as I look back... no healthy marriage can exist and especially thrive if it is always the last thing you get to.  I am no fool don't get me wrong I know the insanity of a modern young family.  Both parents work, kids have school, activities, homework, then there is church, time with extended family, maybe a little time to squeeze in a few friends, usually there is work to do at home, and then don't forget keeping up with a television show or perhaps even reading a book, probably should crack the Bible once in a while, what are we forgetting?  Oh yeah, marriage.  I have heard that the ratio of marriages is beginning to swing in the positive as far as divorces are going so some people must have begun to figure out how to do this. 

Find things that are fun to do together... My wife and I liked to entertain, we didn't do it that often but when we did we enjoyed it.  We were both competitive people so games and most things that could be understood as a competition(read most things) didn't seem to go that well.  I suggested golf, she didn't have time to learn, maybe some day.  She was a runner, so I began to jog.  But its hard to do this together with little kids and she felt threatened that I was trying to take her thing.  What we did do great together was parent and play with our girls.  I feel like we were good at this, as long as I didn't have to much fun, because then she was threatened.  Because she felt like I spent so much more time with our girls than she was  Which for brief periods was true and I did get to do something's that she didn't because of my schedule. We never really found anything besides hanging out with her family that we enjoyed doing together.  We could have ran, played tennis, gone on walks/hikes, gone out to eat at fun restaurants, had people over from church, work, friends, gone to concerts together, etc.  We could have just tried to golf together.  Coulda, shoulda, woulda....but we didn't.

Communicate.  We never truly figured out how to conflict well.  We could fight.  Our usual arguments were fairly well scripted.  Begins with whatever the hot topic of the day was.... we would start talking about it, I would share my thoughts and she would respond, this was the seed of conflict it had a chance to be resolved yet.  When I responded after that she usually felt preached at or she would bring out the big guns and obliterate the emerging conflict. Here's that innocent little conflict between us, I think this way and she disagrees... there is middle ground available....but what usually happened was she would "win" by pulling out money, career, family...we would shift to that for awhile and then end in a explosion or a mute separation.   Leaving that little conflict in the dust.

I write about finding that fun thing(s) and communication because these were two of the big pieces of advice several people offered to us 13 years ago.  Those two and never use the "D" word and pray together.  When we prayed together I think we were the closest we ever were, but we were also going through a very tumultuous time with the infertility.  So many emotions....  So last year was the worst anniversary, I did buy her a gift and a card and she ignored it, but by that time she had already moved on and made up her mind.  This year this day has been strange...not necessarily horrible, just strange. 
I miss my family, I miss putting my girls to bed every night, I miss all the little things my ex and I used to laugh at and share, I miss feeling needed and like a protector, I miss a lot of things.  SO Happy Anniversary if you happen across this rambling blog post and you are married, fight to keep it healthy, make it a priority, find something fun you can do together, force yourself to communicate outside of your training and your comfort zone, and for Pete's Sake take the time to love this person you are trying to spend the rest of your life with.  Not your idea of love, what makes them feel loved.  You probably won't know how to do that they will have to train you, be trainable and be relentless in asking them to train you.  Then train them too, but do it in a graceful way. 

Good luck, it's hard.... I know.  I tried and failed. 

I have a broken lover

So this morning after last nights rough patch I woke up and prayed again, for me, for my daughters, for my ex and even for the new bf...a little bit. 

The truth is that as this continues to sink in the more real the rejection feels and the more confused I become about what went wrong.  I mean I get a few of the obvious things, those are hard to miss.  But those were later on and they were in my thought a response to the problems.  Or at least I believe the issues weakened the resolve that we both had not to make selfish choices with no regard for the consequences. 
At several points my ex has pointed out or used the logic that we were just too different, that as we grew out of the infatuation stage we grew apart.  Then she has gone on to say that our experiences just left us wanting different things.  Part of me wants to say sure some of that makes sense.  The rest of me fights that saying that may feel true, but I think that is very common and it is up to married people to fight that and choose that this will not tear them apart.  What I believe a healthy marriage does is recognize the differences and similarities and then decide together what is going to be important to you.  You share your dreams, your deep thoughts and emotions.  You live in the present, consider the future and let the past become memories and lessons. (Holding on to the good and letting the pain teach you and then fade.) 
Will a part of you always wonder what if?  Sure I think so.  But you ignore that.  There are so many what if's to life and if we focus on them we become paralyzed and/or we act on them and create pain.  Not that some what if's can't be good, but I think when comparison is what drives us, we will one never be happy and two we will cause pain to ourselves and those around us.

What does it mean to be content and to dream of a better future?  I think if you know that this person you are in a committed relationship will be by your side forever good or bad, then contentment and hope is easy.  A big part of me wonders if I will ever regain the ability to do that.  I trusted, I gave my whole heart, I was content with a life where we followed her dreams for the most part, I prayed, I invested, and I was imperfect and I sinned too.  Now I don't trust...pretty much anybody.  Everyone has an ulterior motive, everyone has a secret, everyone has a story or parts of it that I do not know...what's the point?  I will either cause pain or be hurt in the end.  Maybe someday that will change but I really believe it will never be the same.  For now that part of me and the way that I interact with people is broken.  I can honestly say that I used to love everyone.  It was easy to love, easy to just focus on the good, the part of them that was striving for love and life...that part of me has been the biggest causality personally.  The time with my daughters and my destroyed marriage are things that happened to all of us and they are worse.  But this part of me the part that offered hope, that created an environment of grace, that just flat out loved people this loss is a tragedy. 

I read this article tonight and it is good.  It sums up what I thought and what I think about a committed, relationship and seeing it with right perspective.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Donald%20Miller

hard adjustment and a prayer for my ex.

So my daughter mentioned in passing today that Alyssa gave me these stuffed animals.  I said oh that was nice.  I asked if she bought it at the neighborhood kid sale and she said no not that Alyssa.  Jeff's Alyssa.  She said that in passing and said while we were at Jeff's she gave me these.  I said Oh I don't know Jeff he must be a new friend.... Yeah, Jeff's the boyfriend, he has kids I guess and they have been hanging out with my daughters.  I kept a straight face.  My oldest got a weird look on here face and said yeah he's a new friend. 

I had a growing panic building inside of me, thankfully my ex arrived and I was able to rock and roll.  Such a weird collections of feelings flowing through me.  What should I do rage, scream, cry, etc....

No.... I prayed for my ex.  I prayed for her protection.  I prayed for her wisdom.  I prayed that she would move slowly.  I prayed for her heart.  I prayed that she would see with eyes that only He could give her. 

I know that I will never get her back.  My love for her didn't matter when we were married and it doesn't matter now.  Yet, I do pray that His love for her does.  Please help her move slow enough that He can make her whole.  That His love will surround her, will course through her, will make her whole before and as she moves on to another.   

Where is my treasure?

So I did a class at a local church for a few months called Divorce Care...it was really good.  I walked alongside of an eclectic groups of folks and we discussed our trials, our pain, our hopes and our fears.  There was a video component and a curriculum that we walked through that helped me prepare for the emotions and feelings that I have and will continue to go through.  One of the add-on's to this group is a daily encouraging email that you receive for a year.  I am at day 166.  The emails kind of run in weekly topics.   This week ironically was about moving on into another relationship.  I have mentioned here that I do not feel prepared for this in any way.  Yet, these emails seemed very timely considering the recent news from my ex highlighted the fact that I was not moving on or even considering it at this point. 

The theme is that you must get to the point where you feel content and joyful in your singleness before you are probably healthy to join in a relationship.  This feels right to me.  I have an old friend, I guess an used to be friend, who got divorced this past year and yesterday got married.  That may be right for him?  And my ex dating may be right for her....But I feel as if they will both be bringing an unhealed soul into their next relationship.  Maybe I say that because I still feel so broken and I cannot imagine how someone could not be broken still after only a few months.  Truth be told they both initiated their divorces so maybe that is different? I don't know? 

Here is one man's theory on the topic of healing, time and moving on:  “It takes one year of healing for every four years of marriage. Some people have control over that in terms of working it through, and different people heal at different rates, so it’s a general statistic. But I’ve found over time that it’s a wise statistic. One of the great tendencies of humanity is for us to say, ‘It’ll be different for me. This doesn’t apply to me.’ It really does.” 

So I was married for 12 years this July 20 would have been 13.  According to this statistic I will be 41 before I will be healed.  In some ways that feels like a long time away, in others I know how time can fly.  I understand that things like this move slow.  There have been a whole list of firsts that have happened but the list is not complete yet.  First Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, oldest daughters B-day, New Years Eve, Family Vacation, Easter, Memorial day, a graduation party, other birthday parties, Mother's day, Father's day, to name a few.  These each brought with them a slew of emotions, pain, new struggles, and continued adjustment.  All this and my divorce has been final for not even 2 months.  Now I moved out/was thrown out on Thanksgiving so there has been more time for some things but still.  In that regard I understand how healing takes time.  Each first will bring new struggles.  Also the choices I make about my own life that I am founding with my part time girls takes time to develop too. 

I talked a little about what makes me happy in my last post.  This was in today's email:  Whatever you depend upon for your happiness will always end up controlling you; therefore, if you feel you have to get married in order to be happy, then the approval of the opposite sex will control your self-esteem. How other people view you will dominate the way you view yourself.”  I think that this sums up how I lived the past decade or so.  I allowed the outlook that my wife had on me, my career choice, my identity, my passions, etc. control me.  I placed her in a very unhealthy place.  I made her responsible for my happiness.  Now I understand that there is a place for a spouse to affect your happiness.  But I do not believe they should ever be responsible for it.  I think she did the same thing to me, and then when she deemed that I was not cutting the mustard providing her happiness she pulled away slowly.  First, if she wasn't happy she wasn't going to provide me with any happiness.  So the first thing to go was the physical contact...five years ago.  Then she refused any date ideas or most alone time outside of our house.  Then she became more vocal about my job, my friends, my family.  I responded to her not fulfilling my happiness by judging her.  I decided that she was cold, that she didn't care a lick about me, that all I was to her was a servant to be bossed around. That and I tried to reach her by writing her letters, emails and very few words. 

 It wasn't all like this I guess.  I tried...I spent hours thinking up ways to create an environment where she would be content and happy.  I built extravagant things, created beautiful landscaping, remodeled bathrooms, bedrooms, etc.  Spent time investing in her likes, passions, supported her in her career and creating strong bonds with her family.  With each improvement there were smiles but not happiness.  She probably tried too.  I have a harder time seeing that from this side of things, but I am sure she did.

This has been a lot of words to say this.  I have a friend who says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  He is quoting Matthew 6:21 out of the Bible.  I believe that I was created to do life best when God is my treasure, where he is where the responsibility of my happiness lies (not worldly happiness, contentment with my place in the world), and where my heart is His to cherish.  Then and only then will I be able to selflessly love another with unconditional, wild abandon.  Truthfully, I thought I was doing just that in this failed marriage.  So now I walk the journey to figure out just what that means for me. 

Daddy why?

So I was dropping off my daughters the other night and my youngest jumps up in my arms looks at me and then back at the house and her mom and says, "Daddy why did you and mommy get divorced?"  "Just because."  I said.  "No, I mean it, why did you and mommy get divorced?"  She asked me 4 times the last time I said, "I didn't really have a good answer for you, it just happened."  Then I told her it was time to go inside.  She gave me a big hug and kiss and ran inside.

I get it.  I ask that same question, but from a much different set of logic.  To her I was standing in the driveway of "our" house, there was mommy, and mommies and daddies are supposed to live together.  She didn't want me to go, but she knows because of the divorce I have to.  But why? 

What I wanted to say is "Ask your mom."  But that does no one any good.  Then I wanted to say, "It's complicated sweetie, but know that I wish we weren't divorced too...that our family wasn't cut in half too."  But she is 5, she's not asking a deep question, just being honest that she wants her normal back.  I do too dear, but we are going to have to find our new normal. 

I wish I could tell her everything will be fine and this new normal will have it's wonderful qualities too.  But I'm not sure about that.  She wants to have Daddy there or Mommy there at bedtime every night.  She wants to vacation with the whole family, she keeps asking me over and over if I am coming on vacation with them.  She misses me when she is with my ex and my ex when she is with me.  She knows that all is not as it is supposed to be.  The truth is little one that no matter how hard we wish for things in life that doesn't mean they will come true, in fact most things we have to wish for don't and won't ever come true.  I won't tell you that now, because I don't want you to have to grow up any faster than you already are. 

For now I don't have a good answer, but notice the look in my eye I echo your question.  And know above anything and everything that you are loved, so deeply and so completely. 

When you give your heart away and they give it back

Value.... What gives a thing value?  I have been thinking about this a little lately.  I have never really been enthralled by what the world assigns value to.  Don't get me wrong I like nice socks, good tools, great food and beer.  So I am not saying that I don't appreciate things that have quality.  What I am saying is I think that I don't hold to the same standards of success that the world tells me I should. Do I need to have power, do I need to have the things that give me "status", do I need to have people "think" I have it all together?  Not really...  I don't say that to toot my own horn, or to talk like some millennial, post- whatever person who doesn't "need" the intrinsic things but then when you try to take them away scream and throw temper tantrums.  It is just true.

I have a closet full of clothes...most of them I didn't pick out or were given to me.  I wear the same pair of shorts or jeans 90% of the time and rotate a few tshirts or other shirts in there and I'm good.  I could probably donate 80% of my wardrobe and be fine...maybe I will.  I have a descent car in the garage but it have 140K miles on it..runs fine I'm good.  I have a nice house, it's small, but updated, clean and nice basics(furnace, water heater, etc).  It has one bathroom and two bedrooms and it works great for my girls and I.   I have enough furniture to sit on and a bed to sleep on.  I have a computer with which to type this and enough money to afford Wifi.  So like I said it's not that I don't appreciate some of the things the world assigns value to. 

I think where I draw the line is do I need that stuff to be happy, or maybe the right word is content?  I get to redefine contentment for me.  I think it starts where it has always been and that is with family.  So for me know that means the family that I have left and the times that I get to see them are success, are a privilege, and are a top priority in my life.  When I am with them I need them to know they are loved beyond measure, beyond reason, to infinity and beyond.  If I get to the end of my life and I don't have any money to leave them, if I leave them with this heritage of loving courageously I will be content.  After that what makes me content?  Doing a job that I can be proud of, no matter what that is, when I do it to the best of my ability and give my all that creates a product with which to be proud.  To exude the very aroma of Christ where I go, that will be success.  To be able to find joy in the ordinary, everyday moments and not have to rely on the fantastic or fantasy to find and model joy.  This list could continue.

The point of this is this is one of the gifts of this situation.  Before I was so laser focused on trying to create an environment that would bring contentment to my ex that I didn't blink an eye when it was counter-cultural to what I would choose for myself.  Now I get to figure it out by myself and with God.  There is a freedom in this, that is refreshing and lonely all at the same time.  You see I like being part of a team, I like that feeling, accomplishing something great together.  Even if great is simple things that the world would never notice or mark.  For now and the unforeseeable future I need to figure that out by myself and not have the benefit/blessing of having a team to have my back or rally with if the chips are down. 
When I really think about it, this may be a permanent situation.  Like it or not July 20, 2002, I was joined in a holy way with another person and although that other person has abandoned me and that bond...I am still in it.  This isn't a biblical thing, biblically I am fine moving along.  It is a Ben thing.  I gave my heart away so completely, now even though it has been discarded  it still doesn't feel like mine to take back and for sure give to another. 

So yes, I need to identify what keeps me content because then I can set my goals and priorities accordingly.  I need to be okay doing that alone, and be aware that this could be life long. 

sometimes a good meal can help change your focus

So my posts have been a little dark.  That has been the way this journey has been going.  I have had some moments when things seem to be going alright, then something happens.  It has been a different thing every time.  I can't list them all, but this last one was the tsunami, whatever ground I had gained I feel as if I have lost it all.  Well that was the reaction to that news, the truth is that's probably not completely true.  I am sad, I am hurt by this new news, I am lonely...  Yet, I am moving forward.  New house that I like, good neighbors just down the road, I work with guys that I like and my church is supportive for the most part, my family is constantly present and willing to listen and love, my daughters are seeming to do pretty good through all of this...  tonight since I couldn't be with the ones I loved I cooked really good food.

It was delicious! 

I am not healed, I am not ready for a new relationship, I am in the middle of a very stormy existence, but once in a while the sun peaks through and reminds me there is hope, there is love, there is more to this world than the rejection and pain that I am feeling now.  This is a good thing. 

 

In hope I believe anything is possible.  Because for all intensive purposes hope really is just a version of faith.

God bless!

 

Hard journey

This journey is interesting for a reflective person which I believe that I am.  The healing that needs to happen, the forgiveness that needs to occur, the closure that I am forced to accomplish, the pain, the sadness, the other raw emotions; they all ebb and flow.  It would be easier if they went in cycles or set time frames.  I would be in the depression phase and that would last for 3 months and then I could move on and be done dealing with that.  Or I could forgive my ex and that would be the end of it.  I could heal from the wounds caused by the: words that were spoken, the betrayal that occurred, the judgment that was so freely passed down, the holistic rejection, etc.  And those wounds would just fade away perhaps leaving a small scar.  Yet this doesn't seem the way it is occurring.

Every day is a new adventure in what is going to rear its ugly head.  Just when I feel like I have moved past a feeling something happens or a memory surfaces and I am plunged back into a reality where the emotion is raw.  They truly feel like un-healing wounds.  I can cover them and hide them, but they do not really seem to be healing.  The realistic/scientific part of my brain assumes that this is just because the healing journey is rolling along much slower than I would like.

(And much slower than my ex's is occurring.  Maybe we just deal with pain in a different way?  I believe that I had a much different pain to deal with than her.  She for the most part inflicted pain, (not that I am innocent I am not claiming that) so she had to deal with the shame of what she had done.  If indeed there was shame or pain felt deeply.  I believe there was some type of remorse, I know her too well to believe that she is not remorseful for causing such catastrophic pain to me...a person she claimed to have loved once upon a time, when we were much younger and dumber I guess.) 

I am frustrated by so much of this journey.  Everything seems to be a one step forward and two steps back kind of thing.  I hate this.  I want to blame someone, I want to have a scapegoat, I want to escape it....but I know better.  It is my journey, these are my set of problems, this is my life.  There is no escape, there is no one else that will complete me/heal me/help me forgive.  I must walk this road alone and own each step and each choice along the way. 

In dealings and conversations that I have with my ex I have been asking two questions: where is God's love/heart in this?  and What would be best for the girls(my daughters)?  This has helped me keep my focus.  I am trying to ask myself and thus be lead in all of this journey by similar questions. 

Sidebar:  Friday I had a sad day.  My ex emailed me and told me she sort of introduced the girls to her new boyfriend.  She introduced them just didn't tell them he was the new bf.  I went to pick them up after work in our old house and  my ex was happy and.... it just came crashing down on me.  I am so alone, so rejected, so lost...I took the girls to this fun night thing at school but they were with their class for about 40 minutes and then performing for 10ish so I was alone for about an hour.  My ex had gone to her father's 60th bday party, a man that I love, a man that I respect, a party that I wanted to be at, and as far as I know the new BF went.  It was just a lot.  So on the way home, I hadn't eaten yet so we stopped at mcD's which I hate, but I didn't have much in the house and got some food and my oldest asked me what was wrong.  I thought I was hiding it...I was wrong.  I could have lied, instead I told her I was having a sad day and left it at that.  They proceeded to give me their Father's Day gift when we got to my house in hopes it would cheer me up.  It was a nice sentiment and so sweet, but it was just another reminder of the hole, of having a wife that found me so detestable she wouldn't even try to stay married to me, who was so ready to move on that she couldn't wait to get me out of her life.  It was reminder that the family that I helped create no longer exists.  All in all not a great Father's day weekend, although I spent it with my daughters and I cherish those minutes and it was good to have them here...it was just all wrong. 

Holidays at least how I have experienced them are a time for celebrating family....mine is gone and not just gone but intentionally destroyed.  Add this to the list of pretty shitty holidays this year.  I moved out/was kicked out on Thanksgiving, one week later was my birthday.  I didn't really get any Christmas presents, and desperately missed the family traditions that were ruined.  I spent New Years Eve with my girls and some families who were all whole, husbands and wives kissing at midnight and laughing and telling stories that they stop in the middle of because I am alone.  New years day I spent alone.  Easter I was alone.  Without fail during each of these I was visited by a text or personal wish from my ex to have a nice _______.  She doesn't know this but that just digs the dagger in deeper.  Today when she was picking the girls up her last words were I hope you had a good Father's Day...as she drives away with my girls leaving me alone in the driveway.  

There are days when I feel as if I am not going to make it, days when I feel like I should have listened to that little voice that just told me to step in front of one of the cars when I was running or twist my steering wheel a little to the right on the highway.  I am glad I didn't, my daughters need me.  But this pain is almost to much to bear at times.  I met a guy in my divorce care class I took, he has a very rare disease that was once labelled fatal and has since been downgraded to chronic.  He body grows masses that are sharp and like concrete and they cannot be treated.  They crack ribs when he coughs, they cause his eyes to bulge, they have lots of side effects but the worst is constant pain.  I asked him what his hope was?  He said to live long enough to get his youngest through high school and then be able to let go and die, because every day was agony.  And here I write a post about how unbearable my pain is... I feel like a wuss compared to him, yet this is my story and my reality and the truth is that life is just painful and wrong and nothing this side of heaven will ever be whole or right or complete again.  That was always true I guess, but now I understand the depth of that a little more.  I know it goes much deeper, but this is as deep as I can understand now. 

Father how would you use this pain in my life to minister and walk alongside others.  How will you use this to mold me into a better man, a better father, a better co-worker and friend.  I know you will not leave me here as despair's doorstep and that you are with me now, but I hope for better. I hope to find the smile I was born with.  You made me in a way that my smile will never look like anyone else's and it literally had to be crafted.  When I remember this I remember that my joy comes from the relationships with the people around me.  Joy feels forced these days.  It used to come so easy, I am the proud bearer of wrinkles at 38 from all the time I have spent smiling and laughing in my life.  Now they are fading, along with the memory of what real joy feels like.  Help me find that again. 

Daddy I miss you

I wrote about missing an emotionally connect, of feeling loved and respected in my last post.  I do feel the desire for this and understand how it is missing, but the thing I feel much more strongly is  the hole of being forced to be a part time parent.  With what happened in the days leading up to our divorce, I probably have the right to be angry and for sure the temptation to be bitter.  But for the most part the anger I feel has little to do with those circumstances anymore.  I have forgiven her and to be honest have forgiven myself for the way I responded.  Yet, the place that I still am harboring anger and extreme sadness is the parent thing. 
I love my daughters, I am an active father and I always have been.  I cherish the time I get with them and one of my most consistent prayers is thankfulness  for being allowed the privilege to be their dad.  Now I see them twice a week and every other weekend. The worst time of my week, every week, is dropping my daughters off at our families old home and driving away alone.  It is heart wrenching.  I will admit to stopping a little ways away from the house and weeping until I could see through the tears enough to drive safely. 
Their are parts of this divorce that aren't so bad, our marriage relationship was so toxic at the end that I constantly felt ignored, judged, insulted or condescended.   But to have this constant ache inside of me of knowing that my daughters are weekly ripped apart from me is horrible.  I would change anything to not have this reality.  Anything....Everything....

To have to hear from my daughter as she is getting ready for bed, "Daddy I miss you."  I despise this and I am heart broken by those words.  Happy F*&^ing Fathers day to me! 

Can't force love

What does it mean to be alone?  How do we define loneliness?  I am an introvert so I don't really need lots of crowd time.  Yet, I do need to have folks in my life.  I still find myself behest to Maslov's hierarchy.  I need meaningful interaction with other folks.  This is far beyond the physical, although it has been years since I have received even a hug in a meaningful, intentional way from someone other than a blood family member.  What I am talking about is much deeper, an emotional connection. 
One may think this is in response to the "boyfriend" situation that I mentioned in my last post.  I don't really think this is true, in fact I know it isn't.  I have felt this way for a long time.  I tried very hard to have this kind of connection with my ex-wife: I hoped, I prayed, I talked, I wrote letters and emails, I cried, I raged, I read books, I tried to improve myself, to make myself more lovable....  I also made mistakes.  I tried to motivate my ex through passive-aggressive means, this was a mistake.  I guess I was desperate, for a long time, years even, I felt "us" slipping away, I was willing to try anything.  I wanted to be known, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be respected....

I now know that I can't ask for love and respect, I can't hope for it, pray for it; all I can do is receive it.  I can only send love out and then it is up to someone else to choose to return it.  Love is a free will sort of thing.  This is an old truth...as old as the world.            

All this being said I am still lonely.  I have been reading about what it means to be whole...on my own, with God's help.  I think this may be possible...but that is just conjecture at this point.  I do realize and recognize God in my life these days.  I really enjoy the people at my new job and I am getting to know them, but we really don't "know" each other.  All they know is  used to be a pastor, now I am not and I am divorced.  This is an interesting foundation to get to know people from.  My family is good and good to be around.  My old friends are great too, but they are busy, like I used to be.  I guess there are nights that I am busy, but for the most part, especially in the summer I am not.  This leads to interesting places.  Now that I have a house, I can work around the house a bit, but my house is updated and I am not sure about budget so I'm not going out and spending any money yet. 

People have seen this and the sadness in my eyes and they have someone else in their lives that they think would be good for me to meet.  I have been telling them thanks but I am not ready...I am healing and time is my friend right now.  It has been my party line.  And it's not just a line.  I am healing and I do need time.  The truth is I am not sure how to undo a marriage relationship, not legally but at a soul level?  What do I do with the feelings I have for my ex?  I assume they will fade or change.... but how does that happen?  Is time the only component?  Maybe someday I will be whole again.   Until that day though I refuse to endanger someone in the wake of my journey. 

So for now alone....Hopefully this journey leads away from loneliness.   

Boyfriend?

So today I found out that my ex-wife has been dating someone for 3 months.  She started dating him before our divorce was even final....I'm not sure why or if that is relevant but it is true.  The fact is I am not sure how I feel about this.  It is weird.  I had asked her to let me know before she introduced or told the girls she was dating someone.  I didn't want to have to hear it from them or process it in front of them.  So she sent me an email late last night, that I got this morning at work, explaining that she has been dating a guy since April and now he is her boyfriend, and she is planning on introducing our daughters to him some time this summer probably. 
I spent the work day in a very weird place....as I said I am not sure how I feel.  I am a bit jumbled.  Maybe I should be mad, but after everything that has happened, I don't really have any mad left in me toward her dating.  Plus, it's not like we are together; she is free to do whatever she wants with whomever she would like.  Maybe I should be sad and maybe I am....  Maybe I should be shocked, but truth be told I kind of assumed she had been dating.  Maybe not to the extent of boyfriend.  I think that's the word...boyfriend.  Yep that's it. 
I'm not sure what to do with that.  My wife of 12 years, the mother of our daughters, the woman whom I loved...who I still love I think.  The person God joined me together with in a holy union.  This woman whom I share so many memories with, most of them good.  This woman has a boyfriend.  Not some secret, but someone whom she is willing to tell me about and is considering telling our daughters about.  Yes this is the reality I am struggling with. 
My ex-wife and I have remained amicable through this whole divorce journey for the most part.  There have been a few touchy moments about money and the kids, but we have managed to keep our focus on the goal of being the good people we are and staying amicable for the girls.  That is why I believe she felt compelled to tell me, to honor my request and probably also because it is good for the girls.  This reality is probably the thing that makes this so confusing. 
The easy thing would be to hate her, to write her off, to rage and wail.  But I can't.  I mentioned it above I still love her.  That may make me ridiculous or weak or something like that but I don't think that is the case.  What I am is aware of me, my feelings, my emotions.  However, this new reality complicates things for me.  Sure this is painful.  But pain has been my constant companion for the last several...what months, years...I'm not sure.   Pain just travels with me.  So pain would not change anything.  Finding out this news is indeed painful, but nothing I haven't experienced before.  So it is something different, something new...
I'm not sure what it is...it is unsettling.  But perhaps, just perhaps this is the beginning, the beginning of closure.  The beginning of allowing the love that I have to fade into whatever it will be from here on out.  I hope so.