So I did a class at a local church for a few months called Divorce Care...it was really good. I walked alongside of an eclectic groups of folks and we discussed our trials, our pain, our hopes and our fears. There was a video component and a curriculum that we walked through that helped me prepare for the emotions and feelings that I have and will continue to go through. One of the add-on's to this group is a daily encouraging email that you receive for a year. I am at day 166. The emails kind of run in weekly topics. This week ironically was about moving on into another relationship. I have mentioned here that I do not feel prepared for this in any way. Yet, these emails seemed very timely considering the recent news from my ex highlighted the fact that I was not moving on or even considering it at this point.
The theme is that you must get to the point where you feel content and joyful in your singleness before you are probably healthy to join in a relationship. This feels right to me. I have an old friend, I guess an used to be friend, who got divorced this past year and yesterday got married. That may be right for him? And my ex dating may be right for her....But I feel as if they will both be bringing an unhealed soul into their next relationship. Maybe I say that because I still feel so broken and I cannot imagine how someone could not be broken still after only a few months. Truth be told they both initiated their divorces so maybe that is different? I don't know?
Here is one man's theory on the topic of healing, time and moving on: “It takes one year of healing for every four years of marriage. Some people have control over that in terms of working it through, and different people heal at different rates, so it’s a general statistic. But I’ve found over time that it’s a wise statistic. One of the great tendencies of humanity is for us to say, ‘It’ll be different for me. This doesn’t apply to me.’ It really does.”
So I was married for 12 years this July 20 would have been 13. According to this statistic I will be 41 before I will be healed. In some ways that feels like a long time away, in others I know how time can fly. I understand that things like this move slow. There have been a whole list of firsts that have happened but the list is not complete yet. First Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, oldest daughters B-day, New Years Eve, Family Vacation, Easter, Memorial day, a graduation party, other birthday parties, Mother's day, Father's day, to name a few. These each brought with them a slew of emotions, pain, new struggles, and continued adjustment. All this and my divorce has been final for not even 2 months. Now I moved out/was thrown out on Thanksgiving so there has been more time for some things but still. In that regard I understand how healing takes time. Each first will bring new struggles. Also the choices I make about my own life that I am founding with my part time girls takes time to develop too.
I talked a little about what makes me happy in my last post. This was in today's email: Whatever you depend upon for your happiness will always end up controlling you; therefore, if you feel you have to get married in order to be happy, then the approval of the opposite sex will control your self-esteem. How other people view you will dominate the way you view yourself.” I think that this sums up how I lived the past decade or so. I allowed the outlook that my wife had on me, my career choice, my identity, my passions, etc. control me. I placed her in a very unhealthy place. I made her responsible for my happiness. Now I understand that there is a place for a spouse to affect your happiness. But I do not believe they should ever be responsible for it. I think she did the same thing to me, and then when she deemed that I was not cutting the mustard providing her happiness she pulled away slowly. First, if she wasn't happy she wasn't going to provide me with any happiness. So the first thing to go was the physical contact...five years ago. Then she refused any date ideas or most alone time outside of our house. Then she became more vocal about my job, my friends, my family. I responded to her not fulfilling my happiness by judging her. I decided that she was cold, that she didn't care a lick about me, that all I was to her was a servant to be bossed around. That and I tried to reach her by writing her letters, emails and very few words.
It wasn't all like this I guess. I tried...I spent hours thinking up ways to create an environment where she would be content and happy. I built extravagant things, created beautiful landscaping, remodeled bathrooms, bedrooms, etc. Spent time investing in her likes, passions, supported her in her career and creating strong bonds with her family. With each improvement there were smiles but not happiness. She probably tried too. I have a harder time seeing that from this side of things, but I am sure she did.
This has been a lot of words to say this. I have a friend who says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." He is quoting Matthew 6:21 out of the Bible. I believe that I was created to do life best when God is my treasure, where he is where the responsibility of my happiness lies (not worldly happiness, contentment with my place in the world), and where my heart is His to cherish. Then and only then will I be able to selflessly love another with unconditional, wild abandon. Truthfully, I thought I was doing just that in this failed marriage. So now I walk the journey to figure out just what that means for me.
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