Tomorrow is the first day of school for my daughters. Normally, I would have spent the weekend at Mackinaw Island as a last hurrah of the summer before with them. We would have eaten good food, played in the hotel hot tub, ridden around the island, and laughed. On the way home we would have talked about what food they wanted to eat for lunch. We would have picked out their outfits, I would have hugged them both, prayed with at least one of them, and sat in their room until they drifted off to sleep. That is what my heart longs to do, that is what I know to be the right thing for me to have done tonight.
Instead I am sitting on my couch typing this having called them on the phone and tried to pick up the few things they shared with me over speaker phone. About the weekend on the island and then the day spent not with me but with my ex and her BF's family. Yet, they are excited about their first day and I am so happy for them. And when I got off the phone with them I bawled like a baby.
Blogging about all this is interesting. Opening my soul to no one in particular, sharing the pain, the confusion, the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the betrayal, the loss.....I am not sure what good it is doing? I know that at times it helps to put the tangled mess I feel inside down here, yet words rarely do justice to the feelings. I believe this lack of being able to communicate my feelings in a way that is understandable is among the reasons that I find myself in this crappy situation in the first place. Maybe I should be working on expressing myself verbally, instead of constantly writing everything down? That may be true, yet this is what I have for now. Since it is helping at least a bit I will continue for now.
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