I am about to go on my first vacation as a single person...single parent that is. I am looking forward to it, I am looking forward to 4 days off in a row. I don't a lot of vacation yet as I recently changed careers and had to start towards the bottom of the ladder, so I am making a weekend long to make the most of my few days of vacation. I think it will be fun...yet there is something that is just not right about it.
I was talking with a friend the other day and the word I used is I am in mourning. Mourning what should not have happened, mourning the loss of so many things in my everyday and long term life, mourning what my daughters have to go through, mourning the roll I played in all of this, mourning a lot I guess. It feels like the right word. A while ago I was chatting with a man who had lost his wife to cancer and he was trudging through his own mourning process and he said that he thought I had it worse because my wife was gone and she choose to leave me.... ouch! But yeah that's true. I was reminiscing with some friends who are moving soon a few nights ago and we pointed out a few red flags, but overall we concluded it was just sad that it had come to this.
I believe in a healthy marriage your spouse is constantly on your mind, the way you make choices, the things you decide to do, the where and then when you go places, in a mysterious way they are always there. I think this is what the Bible refers to as one flesh. Some people think that only refers to sex or a physical union, which is of course part of it, but I believe it is so much more. This is how I lived, or tried very hard to live, for 13 years. I constantly had my ex on my heart and my mind, she influenced my whole being. (I think she saw this as weakness in me...at least that's what she said to me during our not so great months. I didn't have my own personality or I was a non-person...something like that. it was mostly angry talk, but there is always some raw truth in angry talk.) It is very difficult and messy to untangle myself from that existence. I find I am constantly catching myself doing this. I have heard a theory that it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married to be healthy as a single entity. That means this road is at least 3 years long... That also would mean that my ex is jumping into a relationship way too fast. I pray that she is an anomaly. Because she doesn't go alone she is bringing our two precious daughters along. Eventually, maybe, I will have to cross that bridge too. (Maybe not...) Regardless, I pray that I continue to have the strength and the patience to get to a healthy place. Healthy for me and my daughters.
The next post perhaps I will talk about the small voice I am hearing in the back of my heart about ministry...perhaps not.
Good night!
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