So I survived the week at the ex's, it really didn't turn out that bad... Well all up until the last night. This was the first night I didn't collapse into bed exhausted I actually had some energy left at the end of the night, I may have had a Wicked Ale and my ex texted me about something to which I replied and then we just sort of texted back and forth for a while. While we were texting I rolled up to bed as it was about time for me to cash in my chips. I closed the door to my daughters room and noticed a poster. It was a written note to my daughters from my ex in poster form and it was great. I quickly ran to my younger daughter's room and sure enough she had one too. They were just these little pieces of advice, but they were good.(minus the whole tearing our family apart instead of repairing the damage and reconnecting my ex is a great mom! Seriously!) They both ended with something to the effect of don't let fear hold you back. I am not sure what prompted me to do it, if it was that place , the nostalgia, the fun I was having with the girls, the fun banter we were having over text or what, but I sent a text to the effect of I wish I would have had the courage to not give up on our marriage. This sentiment is true. It was moment of vulnerability. Which is okay for me to be, but maybe not with my ex so much... we have been winning this divorce thing and I don't want to be the reason we grow awkward or more distant.
I got thinking about that moment and what might be behind that statement. I think I just got tired of feeling like I was the only one refusing to walk away from our marriage, sick of being thought of and treated like yesterdays mistakes/trash, tired of being avoided and withdrawn from and so when she made another attempt to end it, I finally acquiesced. If you have read this blog you know I am very much aware of my faults and mistakes; that I have owned, feel badly about and apologized for each of them. Yet, where I know a marriage is made up of two faulty people, it is also kept together by two people refusing to quit. My ex quit our marriage before I did. I am not sure why she stuck around as long as she did, I think she was waiting for me to quit too? One possibility that I pray is not true is she may have stuck it out if I would have done the same. I don't think that's true given all the extenuating circumstances that surrounded our end, but it is something I will never have a complete answer too and will probably haunt me forever. Was I just not strong enough....again?
It has almost been a year since that fateful day when she told me we were done and I needed to figure out when I was going to move out. (Almost a year can it be that long...I can't believe it has only been one year...) So maybe I should put this down, how has this year been?
Helpful:
Writing here, a few great friends who care, great family who love me all the time, running, good job that keeps me actively working- occupying my time, paying the bills and giving me something new to learn, beer at times, reading Bible, praying, up north, a church family that has given me space to transition and grieve yet allowed me to still employ the gifts and experience I have in the ministry world.
Not so helpful:
Down time for my brain to wander, my best friend moving away, seeing my daughters not nearly as much as I want to, other stuff probably the tangled mess this has made of me inside and out, too much beer, feeling sorry for myself, taking on other peoples judgments including if not most importantly my ex's.
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