when do you know you have healed?

When do you know if you are healed?  When I have hurt myself physically there is a set period of time while my body heals itself.  With some of the more severe that time was longer and some even required physical therapy.  The pain that this divorce and the actions leading up to it and some since have made a different kind of wound.  As I get further away I am starting to realize a few things. 

I thought this would forever change me for the worse. 

I thought this experience would damage my soul in a way that was unrepairable.

I thought I would be trapped, by self doubt, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc.

I thought a huge part of me had died.

I thought I would be worse off. 

I think I thought wrong. 

This will forever change me, but it doesn't have to be for the worse.  I am a more understanding, empathetic, kind person now than I was before...which is saying a lot I think.  My soul was damaged but as it heals I am finding the extent of what I am capable of and just how strong I am, oh yeah and faith is real.  I have self doubt, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc.  but these things are not trapping me.  There may have been bars made up pf these things for a while but those bars are starting to crumble.  A part of me has died.  When I married my ex I gave her my heart, I believe that we were bonded together in and through Christ, so when that is torn apart, not all of you can survive because of the way the bond works.  Yet, in the midst of that, a part of me is still alive.  Even though I miss my old life, my old every day thoughts, the way I used to make decisions,  the life I lead now isn't so bad.  In fact, I am really starting to like many parts of it. 

When do you know you are healed?  I'm not sure.  But as I check in, I can tell I have walked a long way down the path of recovery.  So maybe the best answer is when you start believing in hope, not as a concept but as a way of life. 

I could be all wrong though, I am a almost 39 years old, entry level employee, with few friends, a small house, a small bank account, old cloths, a bed that is kind of depressing for personal reasons, who sees his daughters far less than he would hope dude.  But, I am starting to actually smile, like a real smile, soul deep smile once and a while.  Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!