I wonder what a prison cell feels like?

So my ex is travelling for work and I agreed to stay at her house to hang out with my little ladies.  The idea was solid, and really it continues to be...but.  Yeah this whole journey has been full with yeah buts.  Life is messy. 

My girls board the bus here, their school clothes are here, their school routine begins and ends here, they are safe here... it was our home and it remains their home. 

On the way here they were telling me how they had a sleepover here this weekend.  With the Bf and his kids.  They all slept downstairs...all except mommy and BF.  Uggg!  I tucked my girls in, in our old bedroom and I had this sick feeling in my gut.  I couldn't help myself, I wonder what happened in here lately, what happened in here this weekend...two nights ago.  I don't want to think about it!  I try to block any route to this ugly scene in my imagination.  I have managed to do that for the most part, but going to sleep tonight... I dread that, because then I will lose control.  Night time tends to be bad at times.  Sometimes it's not, my guess is tonight will be one of the bad ones. 

I am here where many bad things went down, where I found out things about my wife, my marriage, my identity.... one of the last times I was here I left a note.  Something to the effect of, "I wish this didn't go this way."  I still wish that.  And tonight I can honestly say I am scared, scared of the ghosts that live in these walls for me.  I cannot bring myself to sleep in "that" room, so I will be sleeping in one of my daughters rooms or maybe the couch?  Or maybe I will just skip sleep...nah can't do that I have to work the rest of the week.   Tempting though.  

I guess I will just chalk this up as one more thing that I have done for my daughters, for whom I would travel to hell and back for.   If you are the praying sort...pray for me.