Value.... What gives a thing value? I have been thinking about this a little lately. I have never really been enthralled by what the world assigns value to. Don't get me wrong I like nice socks, good tools, great food and beer. So I am not saying that I don't appreciate things that have quality. What I am saying is I think that I don't hold to the same standards of success that the world tells me I should. Do I need to have power, do I need to have the things that give me "status", do I need to have people "think" I have it all together? Not really... I don't say that to toot my own horn, or to talk like some millennial, post- whatever person who doesn't "need" the intrinsic things but then when you try to take them away scream and throw temper tantrums. It is just true.
I have a closet full of clothes...most of them I didn't pick out or were given to me. I wear the same pair of shorts or jeans 90% of the time and rotate a few tshirts or other shirts in there and I'm good. I could probably donate 80% of my wardrobe and be fine...maybe I will. I have a descent car in the garage but it have 140K miles on it..runs fine I'm good. I have a nice house, it's small, but updated, clean and nice basics(furnace, water heater, etc). It has one bathroom and two bedrooms and it works great for my girls and I. I have enough furniture to sit on and a bed to sleep on. I have a computer with which to type this and enough money to afford Wifi. So like I said it's not that I don't appreciate some of the things the world assigns value to.
I think where I draw the line is do I need that stuff to be happy, or maybe the right word is content? I get to redefine contentment for me. I think it starts where it has always been and that is with family. So for me know that means the family that I have left and the times that I get to see them are success, are a privilege, and are a top priority in my life. When I am with them I need them to know they are loved beyond measure, beyond reason, to infinity and beyond. If I get to the end of my life and I don't have any money to leave them, if I leave them with this heritage of loving courageously I will be content. After that what makes me content? Doing a job that I can be proud of, no matter what that is, when I do it to the best of my ability and give my all that creates a product with which to be proud. To exude the very aroma of Christ where I go, that will be success. To be able to find joy in the ordinary, everyday moments and not have to rely on the fantastic or fantasy to find and model joy. This list could continue.
The point of this is this is one of the gifts of this situation. Before I was so laser focused on trying to create an environment that would bring contentment to my ex that I didn't blink an eye when it was counter-cultural to what I would choose for myself. Now I get to figure it out by myself and with God. There is a freedom in this, that is refreshing and lonely all at the same time. You see I like being part of a team, I like that feeling, accomplishing something great together. Even if great is simple things that the world would never notice or mark. For now and the unforeseeable future I need to figure that out by myself and not have the benefit/blessing of having a team to have my back or rally with if the chips are down.
When I really think about it, this may be a permanent situation. Like it or not July 20, 2002, I was joined in a holy way with another person and although that other person has abandoned me and that bond...I am still in it. This isn't a biblical thing, biblically I am fine moving along. It is a Ben thing. I gave my heart away so completely, now even though it has been discarded it still doesn't feel like mine to take back and for sure give to another.
So yes, I need to identify what keeps me content because then I can set my goals and priorities accordingly. I need to be okay doing that alone, and be aware that this could be life long.
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