So 13 years ago I was at my wedding reception.... it was a fun night. Over the years our anniversary was different. Our first we celebrated in Traverse city, that was nice and fun. Admittedly I do not remember them all, but what I do remember is the fade. They went from a big deal on both of our parts, to me trying to pull of a nice present the day after her birthday, her birthday in July 19th, and her seeming to force it. At least that was how it felt for the last few, an after thought.
The further away from my marriage I am the more I am getting it. My ex was(is) a very busy woman. Constantly on the go, she would probably chime in right now and say she didn't have a choice, but the truth is from the day I met her she thrived with her plate full. So I wrote off so many of the times where she put me and our relationship at the bottom of the priority list. It was easy to explain away, she really was crazy busy and her free time was devoted to her daughters, extended family and friends...what little she had. We had a few conversations about this and then we had a few arguments about it, in the end it just was what it was. But as I look back... no healthy marriage can exist and especially thrive if it is always the last thing you get to. I am no fool don't get me wrong I know the insanity of a modern young family. Both parents work, kids have school, activities, homework, then there is church, time with extended family, maybe a little time to squeeze in a few friends, usually there is work to do at home, and then don't forget keeping up with a television show or perhaps even reading a book, probably should crack the Bible once in a while, what are we forgetting? Oh yeah, marriage. I have heard that the ratio of marriages is beginning to swing in the positive as far as divorces are going so some people must have begun to figure out how to do this.
Find things that are fun to do together... My wife and I liked to entertain, we didn't do it that often but when we did we enjoyed it. We were both competitive people so games and most things that could be understood as a competition(read most things) didn't seem to go that well. I suggested golf, she didn't have time to learn, maybe some day. She was a runner, so I began to jog. But its hard to do this together with little kids and she felt threatened that I was trying to take her thing. What we did do great together was parent and play with our girls. I feel like we were good at this, as long as I didn't have to much fun, because then she was threatened. Because she felt like I spent so much more time with our girls than she was Which for brief periods was true and I did get to do something's that she didn't because of my schedule. We never really found anything besides hanging out with her family that we enjoyed doing together. We could have ran, played tennis, gone on walks/hikes, gone out to eat at fun restaurants, had people over from church, work, friends, gone to concerts together, etc. We could have just tried to golf together. Coulda, shoulda, woulda....but we didn't.
Communicate. We never truly figured out how to conflict well. We could fight. Our usual arguments were fairly well scripted. Begins with whatever the hot topic of the day was.... we would start talking about it, I would share my thoughts and she would respond, this was the seed of conflict it had a chance to be resolved yet. When I responded after that she usually felt preached at or she would bring out the big guns and obliterate the emerging conflict. Here's that innocent little conflict between us, I think this way and she disagrees... there is middle ground available....but what usually happened was she would "win" by pulling out money, career, family...we would shift to that for awhile and then end in a explosion or a mute separation. Leaving that little conflict in the dust.
I write about finding that fun thing(s) and communication because these were two of the big pieces of advice several people offered to us 13 years ago. Those two and never use the "D" word and pray together. When we prayed together I think we were the closest we ever were, but we were also going through a very tumultuous time with the infertility. So many emotions.... So last year was the worst anniversary, I did buy her a gift and a card and she ignored it, but by that time she had already moved on and made up her mind. This year this day has been strange...not necessarily horrible, just strange.
I miss my family, I miss putting my girls to bed every night, I miss all the little things my ex and I used to laugh at and share, I miss feeling needed and like a protector, I miss a lot of things. SO Happy Anniversary if you happen across this rambling blog post and you are married, fight to keep it healthy, make it a priority, find something fun you can do together, force yourself to communicate outside of your training and your comfort zone, and for Pete's Sake take the time to love this person you are trying to spend the rest of your life with. Not your idea of love, what makes them feel loved. You probably won't know how to do that they will have to train you, be trainable and be relentless in asking them to train you. Then train them too, but do it in a graceful way.
Good luck, it's hard.... I know. I tried and failed.
No comments:
Post a Comment