My daughter was a premie. She should have died in the womb. The doctors told us she would. IN fact the doctor wouldn't let us leave his consultation room until we began the mourning process. We left went home and started to mourn the baby we had tried so desperately to have, who was still alive inside of my wife. Long story short about 10 long weeks later I was driving like a mad man to a hospital, running through hallways, hopping on one foot putting a surgical suit on, entering a room along with a Neonatal rapid response team and watched the surgeon make her incision on my ex's abdomen for an emergency C-section. Then they removed the baby quickly handed her over to the team and I sat between my wife who was cut open and bleeding with some of her insides on the outsides and my 3 lb 8oz infant daughter being worked on by 5-6 people trying desperately to get her to breath so I wouldn't have to watch her die within my arms reach. The had to intubate her and put her on a vent. Then they wheeled her away and she was gone. I wasn't sure I was going to see her alive again. They put my wife back together, stapled, and taped her shut. I think that day I discovered how fragile life actually is...
I never really knew how fragile marriages are? I grew up with parents who fought through and stayed together. My grandma lost her first love to WWII but she stayed with her 2nd husband until he died in a room in the same hospital my daughter was born in. My other grandparents stayed together until Alzheimer's stole my grandma's mind and eventually her life. Aunts/Uncles/cousins for the most part. Friends. Not entirely, but in many ways I guess I was sheltered from the reality of the truth about this type of relationship. I guess as I got older it began to dawn on me a little as acquaintances, a few family members, etc. walked the road of divorce. I knew my marriage was less than perfect, but I also knew there were no perfect marriages and I just assumed you stayed together and fought together to keep your family intact. I thought that if you have two good people, two people who don't believe in divorce, don't give up on really anything in life, love each other and love their family that divorce just wasn't an option.
I talked to a friend this weekend, they found out something tragic about their marriage. I could hear the confusion, rage, frustration and below that I could hear the hurt, pain, betrayal but what struck me to tears was the confusion...the shock. I was transported back to a few sleepless nights. Nights I spent racking my brain and heart. Why? How did we get here? Am I so worthless to her? So easy to throw away? How could something like this happen to us...to me?
The truth of it all is everything is fragile, even though we try to blind ourselves to that truth. Houses burn down. Car accidents happen in the blink of an eye. Cancer steals lives in every condition. Stock markets fail. People lie. Companies go bankrupt and/or downsize. Friends leave. Spouses betray. Children turn their backs on their parents. To coin a phrase shit happens. The Bible says that our lives are but a wisp of smoke or a blade of grass. Our lives are but blips in the world, in time, in the galaxy.
Yet, I believe that we are each valued and priceless. We will fail, we will betray, we will be let down, we will be hurt, we will lose, but we will also love if we are lucky, we will recognize grace, mercy, an identity not rooted in success, money, power, etc but in kindness, love and an entity that has perfect love for us and is capable of grace in the midst of that perfection.
So yes everything is fragile, and will fall apart...but we have hope, we have access to strength we cannot fathom the depths of and best of all we are loved.
I am loved!
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