24 hours of solitude and what did I learn?

I have spent the last two days sitting in a deer blind from before dawn to after dark.  I had a few moments when I had deer in front of me, but for the bulk of that time there was very little to hold my attention.  So where does your brain go when it is unfettered by daily tasks or to-do lists?  Well I don't know about you but mine floats to the large questions I have about life.  So what are the larger questions that a man who has drastically altered almost everything about his life in the past 12 months have?  What's for breakfast tomorrow. 

Ha! Well in some ways that is true you see for a long time now I have been living looking backwards and living minute to minute for the most part.  I think for the most part that is okay.  I think when you go through something that traumatic the way to heal is one hour, one step, one day at a time.  Healing is a seasonal thing.  I do not think that this season is over, yet I do think that at some point you have to start picking your head up and looking forward a bit. 

So:

1.  Is this job that I am currently doing good?  I am not asking am I doing a good job, I am.  I am asking "if" this is what I should do for this next season? 

2.  What should I be doing financially?  Goals, purpose, etc?

3.  To date or not to date?  I think I am still in love with my ex, so I believe that the answer to this question is no.  I have never been able to put someone in harms way for my own good.  That's why when I was at parties or bars and everyone was coupling/hooking up I was the one taking care of the sick, cleaning up or listening in the corner.  I could never just put myself first and disregard the others feelings no mater their state.  Even though this was frustrating at times when I was a hormonal teenager/twenty-something kid, I like this about myself.  And now that I am a much more mature hormonal almost 40 something male I do not want this life experience to rob me of that. 

4.  How can I be growing?  Personally, physically, emotionally, mentally and most importantly spiritually? 

5.  How am I taking risks, being vulnerable, etc? 

6.  Who am I helping?       

In conclusion, I am a mess.  I have been living away from my ex for almost a year in a week or two.  I know things about the limits of humanity that I can't unlearn.  I have been officially divorced for about 7 months.  I am coming up on my one year anniversary at my current job.  I am two weeks from being 39.  I am 6 months into a 30 or 20 year mortgage.... I can't actually remember which I signed at this minute!  My memory is still foggy from the crap and so clogged with part numbers and fun facts about my new job, that I forget  even big details like the term of my mortgage.  (I knew how many months my wife and I had left in our previous mortgages.)   I have been knocked to the ground, but I'm not dead.  I have been regrouping and who knows what this next round will bring.