Yesterday I talked to some folks about how we can allow failure to define us. As I was telling them that failure need not define us and fear of failure need not hold us back, I thought about me. Have I done this? Sure. I allowed the fear of how my ex would react hold me back from confronting the ways that I felt we were slipping away. I tried in my letter writing ways to reconnect, yet when those ways were ignored for the most part, I should have stood up and took a swing. Instead I leaned back and let the ways that she continued to drift away just progress on like a fall leaf in a stream. I understand that it was not just my job to keep us together, but someone had to, why not me? I guess I knew I wasn't meeting her expectations of a husband a long time ago. I also think that I was hoping that my strengths would out weigh my weaknesses in her eyes. Obviously, in the end the scaled tipped the wrong way in her heart anyway and we are where we are.
Yet, now I am in that everyday sort of fight where you roll over in the morning turn the alarm off and say I am not going to let the "I'm not good enough" lie I was told to define me and I am going to choose to believe that my identity resides in the one who loves me, created me and leads me. Sometimes that works all day, sometimes that works until I put my feet on the ground, sometimes that works until I drop my kids of at the ex's and her BF and family are there and my youngest runs in with such excitement she forgets to give me a hug or say good bye. Sometimes in the midst of being an afterthought for her I hear those old messages again.
My youngest child's new question for me is why don't we see you hardly at all? I hate this question, because she has been following it with do you miss us when we are gone? Yes! Do you cry sometimes? Yep? She gave me a stuffed animal to sleep with, I have been sleeping with it every night. Some may see that as pitiful, not me. I love my girls from the beginning to the end of who I am and I miss the hell out of them when I can't be with them. A gift of love from my little one to remind me that she loves me is just what I need when I turn off the distractions and try to find sweet dreams and an anchor that will remind me I am not who my ex says that I am.
You see I know in my heart that I am great! I am smart, I am caring, I am a great listener, very perceptive, an intuitive empathizer, I have a great laugh, can hug with the best of them and give a killer massage among other skills and talents. I am not weak, or a non-person, a small man, crappy husband, shitty salesman, bad conversationalist, worse arguer, unskilled or dumb. I know that! But sometimes its hard to remember, it's hard to not let my failure define me or the ways I was judged leading up to that epic failure not become my reality. Today I am further along the road than I was last week, last month, last year....the voice is still there, but it is quieter for the most part. I'll take that as a victory!
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