Have you ever heard of the story of Pandora's box? Pandora was given a box and told never to open it. Of course in the end it was opened releasing envy, sickness, hate, disease, etc. This divorce, the catastrophic things that happened leading up to it, and the wreckage that exists since has been a plague for me. I have had to confront each of the evil spirits that "escaped" from the box on this journey. Envy: I have been envious of people with seemingly healthier marriages/relationships than me, of the people my ex choose to reveal her inner most being too instead of me, of my ex and her time with our daughters, of the new BF(though it pains me to say that), etc. I have felt sick both physically and emotionally over this whole affair. When this was all going down my heart would begin to pound, I don't mean beat faster than normal, I mean pound I felt as if it would jump out of my chest and it literally caused me pain. It has happened a few times since when I allow my brain to reenter/probe those memories and emotions again. The emotionally sickness is ongoing, I'm not sure of the total repercussions of them yet. Hate....I can honestly say that I have never hated another person in my life. Yet,, I had to come to this conclusion, I had to make the choice not to hate. Because quite honestly there were people in this scenario that I reallllly wanted to hate. Like a lot! So even though I didn't fall down the rabbit hole, I had to stand there and let hate wash over me, tempt me if you will, and there were parts of it that felt right or at least just. But it was just too easy, I knew there must be a catch and I believe if I would have succumbed I would have lost myself forever and it would have been a slippery slope from there to who knows where else. Despair- I believe that this has been the most life threatening thing that has happened. There were moments when I wasn't sure what to do, the pain and sadness came close to swallowing me whole. I still have moments where these emotions sneak up on me, but for the most part I am becoming numb or at least aware enough to head them off before they overtake me. Regret- I am not sure if this is evil? Yet, I regret giving up, I regret making choices and taking actions that helped make it easier for my wife to believe divorce was a better option than marriage to me. Judgement- Here again I am not sure this is evil. Yet, I think when you allow something to control how you see yourself you have given it too much power over your life and that has evil written all over it to me. I know I am judged. At work I am the tarnished pastor who has run to a weld shop. With others I am the damaged goods of a divorce. At church I am someone who either screwed up bad or deserves pity. To my ex she now treats me nice hoping to keep the peace(I think) as well as assuage her guilt over the pain she caused. But just behind it are these reasons she left me, the things she said to me in anger, the way she treated me, the times she lost her temper, who she choose to spend time with and what she did when she was there, etc. And perhaps the worst judgement of all now is me. I wasn't good enough, man enough, strong enough, rich enough, safe enough, loving enough, smart enough, selfless enough, bold enough, courageous enough, good looking enough, intentional enough,...when it comes right down to it I know that I wasn't enough and I failed. Failed at the thing that I was most passionate about and cared the most about in my life. If I cannot succeed at that, what's worth fighting for or believing in?
The rest of the Pandora's story is different depending on who tells it, because what was left in the box was hope. Hope is a curious thing. I can tell you honestly I had hope for our marriage, right up until the last day, when I walked to the court and stood behind my wife and her lawyer and listened to her answer the 4 or 5 questions that tore our family apart for good. (Two secrets: She wanted to talk afterwards and I couldn't, I couldn't have her see me cry. I almost ran to my car to weep and then numbly drove back to work where my co-workers graciously, for the most part ignored me and my puffy red eyes. The second secret is even this hasn't completely killed my hope. I know I'm an idiot and a glutton for punishment. I believe that my ex was my person, she didn't complete me like some stupid rom-com, but she was, she is the person God bonded me to and that's it for me. I am eternally bonded to her, no matter who she is dating, sleeping next to, etc.) In spite of those secrets, hope is strange. You see I have hope, not that everything will be better or normal...I wish yet I am not that naïve. I have hope that this will not destroy me. No matter how idiotic my heart is yearning for a dead relationship. No matter how painful this is or how little of "me" remains in the wake of all this. No matter if the only great things in my life continue to be almost exclusively the time I spend with my daughters and the time I am looking forward to spending with them. I have hope that I can learn to smile again. Right now I smile with my mouth and it feels forced. I grew up smiling from my soul and it would radiate from my whole face. I can remember catching people of guard with my smile, not because it was striking or handsome, I am too scared for that, but it was authentic and I believe magnetic. I just hope that my smile can spread from my mouth to my eyes and then maybe seep into the more important places. There for a while my girls were yelling at me to smile, so I have tried to be intentional about it, but it's hard. My heart hurts and is sad all the time and that's where my smiles came from. So yeah I have hope that I learn to smile sometime. Beyond that I hope that God lead's my path, path through this mine field , path of sorrow and grieving, path to substance again, path to feel like I have worth, path away from the judgments, the temptations of thinking about the life that ex is continuing on with, without me, about what she is doing with her Bf whether that be with my girls and his kids or when they are alone. (Especially when they are alone, I really hate that I have to think about this!!!!!) The path toward peace and contentment with where and who I am. Essentially the path of life instead of death.
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