What does it mean to be alone? How do we define loneliness? I am an introvert so I don't really need lots of crowd time. Yet, I do need to have folks in my life. I still find myself behest to Maslov's hierarchy. I need meaningful interaction with other folks. This is far beyond the physical, although it has been years since I have received even a hug in a meaningful, intentional way from someone other than a blood family member. What I am talking about is much deeper, an emotional connection.
One may think this is in response to the "boyfriend" situation that I mentioned in my last post. I don't really think this is true, in fact I know it isn't. I have felt this way for a long time. I tried very hard to have this kind of connection with my ex-wife: I hoped, I prayed, I talked, I wrote letters and emails, I cried, I raged, I read books, I tried to improve myself, to make myself more lovable.... I also made mistakes. I tried to motivate my ex through passive-aggressive means, this was a mistake. I guess I was desperate, for a long time, years even, I felt "us" slipping away, I was willing to try anything. I wanted to be known, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be respected....
I now know that I can't ask for love and respect, I can't hope for it, pray for it; all I can do is receive it. I can only send love out and then it is up to someone else to choose to return it. Love is a free will sort of thing. This is an old truth...as old as the world.
All this being said I am still lonely. I have been reading about what it means to be whole...on my own, with God's help. I think this may be possible...but that is just conjecture at this point. I do realize and recognize God in my life these days. I really enjoy the people at my new job and I am getting to know them, but we really don't "know" each other. All they know is used to be a pastor, now I am not and I am divorced. This is an interesting foundation to get to know people from. My family is good and good to be around. My old friends are great too, but they are busy, like I used to be. I guess there are nights that I am busy, but for the most part, especially in the summer I am not. This leads to interesting places. Now that I have a house, I can work around the house a bit, but my house is updated and I am not sure about budget so I'm not going out and spending any money yet.
People have seen this and the sadness in my eyes and they have someone else in their lives that they think would be good for me to meet. I have been telling them thanks but I am not ready...I am healing and time is my friend right now. It has been my party line. And it's not just a line. I am healing and I do need time. The truth is I am not sure how to undo a marriage relationship, not legally but at a soul level? What do I do with the feelings I have for my ex? I assume they will fade or change.... but how does that happen? Is time the only component? Maybe someday I will be whole again. Until that day though I refuse to endanger someone in the wake of my journey.
So for now alone....Hopefully this journey leads away from loneliness.
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