So I just reread my last post... is that okay? As an inexperienced blogger I am not sure of the etiquette? Well regardless I reread and I feel like I blamed. It is so easy to blame, isn't it? Whenever you are in a situation that is sketchy or problematic find a scapegoat, a reason, someone else who is to blame. In my last post overall you may have read that and thought that I was innocent and that my ex was a heathen, bully. And perhaps she did bully me at times to win arguments, but I was not innocent of faulty communication.
Do you want to know how I communicated with my wife most honestly, most openly..... It was through letters and emails. And truth be told I talked about intimacy wayyyyyy too much. I am a guy and intimacy means a lot to me, emotionally, egotistically, physically, even spiritually. But I was very focused on this part of our relationship, perhaps it was because it was non-existent? But there I go again blaming. I am sure my ex felt like I was a broken record and that I was a coward because I would mostly address these issues by letter or email. I could explain them away by saying I was trying to avoid another rejection, but I think I was just scared.
I am trying to figure out who I am without this woman in my life and it really is a struggle. My life's focus was about her for so many years that I am having a hard time re-centering my life and my focus. She had a hard day the other day and when I dropped off the girls she needed a hug... So as I was about to leave I turned around and offered her comfort. It was second nature and it felt weird...weird and good. As sad as this is it was the longest time of physical contract I had from someone that wasn't my mom or my daughter. All I did was let her cry on my shoulder and then I left. It didn't mean anything. But....I still had to wake up to a dream of us back together... I hate those dreams they are so depressing. I wake up happy and then as I come to I remember all over again that in reality my family has been ripped apart. The woman I love rejected me to the core, feeling fine about moving on twice before we were even divorced.
So who am I without her? I am not sure really. I know something's. I love my daughters to infinity and beyond. I am a man who has a good and pure heart. I love other people no matter what. I think deeply, I feel deeply. I don't like to let people down. I want the very best for my daughters. However I also know I am broken: betrayal, rejection, judgment, etc. have taken their toll on me to the very core of who I am and it has set me adrift.
However, I trust in the peace, grace and love of God that He will mold the broken pieces of me back into a shape that is okay.
So yes I miss my family...I miss my wife... We didn't have an intimate relationship physically, but what we had was intimate in a different way and I miss that. How easy it was to be vulnerable around her and how easy she was to feel vulnerable around me. I can remember carrying her up the satirs when she broke her foot, I can remember taking care of her when she was sick, I remember being there when she just couldn't do it anymore...I have mentioned this before I miss feeling needed. For the most part I truly feel like an afterthought.
For now know that I am broken but okay. It wasn't all my ex's fault as much as I want to blame her. And I will survive and if you find yourself in this situation you will too, no mater how powerful the urges are to blame, rant, rave, etc. fight them and fight to find yourself amidst the pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment