So I got to meet the BF this past weekend...long story short had a little incident that required a quick visit to the emergency room for one of my daughters while they were with my ex and her BF. So I was able to slap eyes on him and stand awkwardly in a waiting room while the ex changed the girls before I took them. We proceeded to do what guys do in awkward situations we ignored each other. It was weird.
My ex told me she was set up by some friends with this guy..... It feels like to me that this may not indeed be true. I don't know why this matters, I guess it just bugs me to be lied to again. My guess is a dating site. Not that it changes anything or should. Mostly I just feel...I am not sure the right word- angry(maybe), disgusted(maybe), jealous(maybe), bothered...that's not a complete word but in lieu of a better one it will do.
I am bothered, bothered by this whole situation. Not just the fact that my ex is dating doing who knows what with this guy. Of that I am certainly bothered. But it is more than just this. It is more than being betrayed, more than being lied too, more than being judged, more than being rejected, more than being erased from one half of my extended family, and ripped from my home and majority of the time with my daughters. All of those things suck.... hard!
Maybe a little window into my soul, with help frame this. I love people, I grew up an eternal optimist. I get sucked in by love stories, I am a hopeless romantic. I love to treat woman....well. I actually enjoy watching rom-com's. I love to laugh. I have lived most of my life with joy in my soul. This is my identity, it is how I was created and how I was nurtured to be. I am bothered because I feel like this identity is destroyed. It took a lot. I am not sure how or even if I can ever recover it and if I do will I ever be close to the same again? I don't have to guess.....I know the answer. That is what bothers me.
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