Going through a divorce.... getting kick out....being left....the list goes on of descriptions of what I am going through. About a year and a half ago the dull ache of an unhealthy relationship became a roar as my then wife told me she didn't think we were compatible. We had several conversations some were full of emotions and some of them painfully detached. We addressed some historical content, but most of it seemed to be laser focused on the present and the impossible future.
I suggested counselling so we went, we began with two solo sessions each. Then my wife was in a serious car accident. She had some internal injuries and a broken ankle. I sat with her in the hospital and brought our daughters up to see her. I carried her into our house and helped her with the life activities that are difficult with a broken ankle and bruised and injured body. After a period of time we tried to go to counselling together, it was.... uncomfortable, painful even. We went three times. Then my then wife said she would not return and said if we were going to make it we were going to have to do it on our own. So we spent the summer avoiding any real type of interaction for the most part. We tried to meet once a week and have a conversation, that proved too much for us. So then we tried vacations. Escape from reality, try to see if she could find some motivation to attempt the long journey to restore a sense of normality. Not health, but probably the best word is a truce. A truce to be able to begin to work on finding common ground to be able to establish what needed to be a new foundation.
I believed that God had truly united us into one flesh, but through several personal choices on both our parts we had grown apart. We had been happy once, we had been infatuated with each other when we were young, and we even made the dream we both had of having a family come true through very hard circumstances together. Yet, we both fell prey to expectations.
I hate that word expectations. I believe that expectations lead to believing you are owed something, that you 'deserve' something....more. It is an open window or an open door that allows temptation's whisper to float in. For a while I believe you have an inner battle. I believe we are inherently equipped to know deep inside of ourselves what it takes to love another person unconditionally. Temptation works like a water flow, eroding away at the foundation of what you know to be right. At first, you have a strong defense, then slowly but surely you begin to fall prey to the whispers. And if you don't do anything to fight them they begin to win a few battles, not the war, but here and there. And inevitably those whispers are working on the other person too. Well you get the point. You can see how easy it is to drift apart.
Well that was a bit of the back story anyway. I will pick up more later. The idea behind this blog is a place for me to process this transition. The transition from being married to being single.
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