Tearing apart one flesh in messy

I am about to go on my first vacation as a single person...single parent that is.  I am looking forward to it, I am looking forward to 4 days off in a row. I don't  a lot of vacation yet as I recently changed careers and had to start towards the bottom of the ladder, so I am making a weekend long to make the most of my few days of vacation.  I think it will be fun...yet   there is something that is just not right about it. 

I was talking with a friend the other day and the word I used is I am in mourning.  Mourning what should not have happened, mourning the loss of so many things in my everyday and long term life, mourning what my daughters have to go through, mourning the roll I played in all of this, mourning a lot I guess.  It feels like the right word.  A while ago I was chatting with a man who had lost his wife to cancer and he was trudging through his own mourning process and he said that he thought I had it worse because my wife was gone and she choose to leave me.... ouch!  But yeah that's true.  I was reminiscing with some friends who are moving soon a few nights ago and we pointed out a few red flags, but overall we concluded it was just sad that it had come to this. 

I believe in a healthy marriage your spouse is constantly on your mind, the way you make choices, the things you decide to do, the where and then when you go places, in a mysterious way they are always there.  I think this is what the Bible refers to as one flesh.  Some people think that only refers to sex or a physical union, which is of course part of it, but I believe it is so much more.  This is how I lived, or tried very hard to live, for 13 years.  I constantly had my ex on my heart and my mind, she influenced my whole being. (I think she saw this as weakness in me...at least that's what she said to me during our not so great months.  I didn't have my own personality or I was a non-person...something like that.  it was mostly angry talk, but there is always some raw truth in angry talk.) It is very difficult and messy to untangle myself from that existence.  I find I am constantly catching myself doing this.  I have heard a theory that it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married to be healthy as a single entity.  That means this road is at least  3 years long... That also would mean that my ex is jumping into a relationship way too fast.  I pray that she is an anomaly.  Because she doesn't go alone she is bringing our two precious daughters along.  Eventually, maybe, I will have to cross that bridge too.  (Maybe not...)  Regardless, I pray that I continue to have the strength and the patience to get to a healthy place.  Healthy for me and my daughters. 

The next post perhaps I will talk about the small voice I am hearing in the back of my heart about ministry...perhaps not. 
Good night!

being left again

Sidebar from the divorce journey:
So one of the things that I basically gave up trying to appease and win approval from my ex was I distanced myself from my friends.  During the days leading up to the divorce I spent quite a bit of time rekindling some old relationships.  It has been great.  To be around people who love me and have known me for eons.  Two weeks ago I found out my best friend and one of these newly rekindled close relationships informed me that he was moving to Florida.  

On top of everything else going down this feels a little overwhelming.  I am happy for their family unit and this new adventure, but I am sad.  Honestly I am heartbroken.  The pieces of my heart that exist have been ground into smaller pieces. 
This sounds and feels like whining.  And I guess that is what it is....but still.  At least this time I'm not being rejected, just left.

What bothers me

So I got to meet the BF this past weekend...long story short had a little incident that required a quick visit to the emergency room for one of my daughters while they were with my ex and her BF.  So I was able to slap eyes on him and stand awkwardly in a waiting room while the ex changed the girls before I took them.  We proceeded to do what guys do in awkward situations we ignored each other.  It was weird. 
My ex told me she was set up by some friends with this guy..... It feels like to me that this may not indeed be true.  I don't know why this matters, I guess it just bugs me to be lied to again.  My guess is a dating site.  Not that it changes anything or should.  Mostly I just feel...I am not sure the right word- angry(maybe), disgusted(maybe), jealous(maybe), bothered...that's not a complete word but in lieu of a better one it will do. 
I am bothered, bothered by this whole situation.  Not just the fact that my ex is dating doing who knows what with this guy.  Of that I am certainly bothered.  But it is more than just this.  It is more than being betrayed, more than being lied too, more than being judged, more than being rejected, more than being erased from one half of my extended family, and ripped from my home and majority of the time with my daughters.  All of those things suck.... hard!
Maybe a little window into my soul, with help frame this.  I love people, I grew up an eternal optimist.  I get sucked in by love stories, I am a hopeless romantic.  I love to treat woman....well.  I actually enjoy watching rom-com's.  I love to laugh.  I have lived most of my life with joy in my soul.  This is my identity, it is how I was created and how I was nurtured to be.  I am bothered because I feel like this identity is destroyed.  It took a lot.  I am not sure how or even if I can ever recover it and if I do will I ever be close to the same again?  I don't have to guess.....I know the answer.  That is what bothers me.         

I don't have a snappy title

So today I feel alone.  True I could go sign up for match.com and find a compatible person out there who I could spend time with.. but honestly I was placed together with my life mate 13 years ago and I don't know how to undo that?  I guess I will just move forward and try to figure it out along the way, but for now I miss my family, I miss the woman I promised to stand next to no matter what.  I feel like that vow has not expired even though biblically and legally it has because of her choices. I still want to and feel like I should be with my wife and my family.  Not living mostly alone in this house. 
Who knows?  Life goes on... 

I wish it didn't have to.... I wish it could be different, I wish I could go back in time and undo the junk and accomplish the things that seem so important to my ex so we could still be together...

If only........

Yeah but who am I really

So I just reread my last post... is that okay?  As an inexperienced blogger I am not sure of the etiquette?  Well regardless I reread and I feel like I blamed.  It is so easy to blame, isn't it?  Whenever you are in a situation that is sketchy or problematic find a scapegoat, a reason, someone else who is to blame.   In my last post overall you may have read that and thought that I was innocent and that my ex was a heathen, bully.  And perhaps she did bully me at times to win arguments, but I was not innocent of faulty communication.

Do you want to know how I communicated with my wife most honestly, most openly..... It was through letters and emails.   And truth be told I talked about intimacy wayyyyyy too much.  I am a guy and intimacy means a lot to me, emotionally, egotistically, physically, even spiritually.  But I was very focused on this part of our relationship, perhaps it was because it was non-existent?  But there I go again blaming.  I am sure my ex felt like I was a broken record and that I was a coward because I would mostly address these issues by letter or email.  I could explain them away by saying I was trying to avoid another rejection, but I think I was just scared. 

I am trying to figure out who I am without this woman in my life and it really is a struggle.  My life's focus was about her for so many years that I am having a hard time re-centering my life and my focus.  She had a hard day the other day and when I dropped off the girls she needed a hug... So as I was about to leave I turned around and offered her comfort.  It was second nature and it felt weird...weird and good.  As sad as this is it was the longest time of physical contract I had from someone that wasn't my mom or my daughter. All I did was let her cry on my shoulder and then I left.  It didn't mean anything.  But....I still had to wake up to a dream of us back together... I hate those dreams they are so depressing.  I wake up happy and then as I come to I remember all over again that in reality my family has been ripped apart.  The woman I love rejected me to the core, feeling fine about moving on twice before we were even divorced. 

So who am I without her?  I am not sure really.  I know something's.  I love my daughters to infinity and beyond.  I am a man who has a good and pure heart.  I love other people no matter what.  I think deeply, I feel deeply.  I don't like to let people down.  I want the very best for my daughters. However I also know I am broken: betrayal, rejection, judgment, etc. have taken their toll on me to the very core of who I am and it has set me adrift.  

However, I trust in the peace, grace and love of God that He will mold the broken pieces of me back into a shape that is okay.  

So yes I miss my family...I miss my wife... We didn't have an intimate relationship physically, but what we had was intimate in a different way and I miss that.  How easy it was to be vulnerable around her and how easy she was to feel vulnerable around me.  I can remember carrying her up the satirs when she broke her foot, I can remember taking care of her when she was sick, I remember being there when she just couldn't do it anymore...I have mentioned this before I miss feeling needed.  For the most part I truly feel like an afterthought.  

For now know that I am broken but okay.  It wasn't all my ex's fault as much as I want to blame her.  And I will survive and if you find yourself in this situation you will too, no mater how powerful the urges are to blame, rant, rave, etc.  fight them and fight to find yourself amidst the pain.

Happy Anniversary

So 13 years ago I was at my wedding reception.... it was a fun night.  Over the years our anniversary was different.  Our first we celebrated in Traverse city, that was nice and fun.  Admittedly I do not remember them all, but what I do remember is the fade.  They went from a big deal on both of our parts, to me trying to pull of a nice present the day after her birthday, her birthday in July 19th, and her seeming to force it.  At least that was how it felt for the last few, an after thought. 

The further away from my marriage I am the more I am getting it.  My ex was(is) a very busy woman.  Constantly on the go, she would probably chime in right now and say she didn't have a choice, but the truth is from the day I met her she thrived with her plate full.  So I wrote off so many of the times where she put me and our relationship at the bottom of the priority list.  It was easy to explain away, she really was crazy busy and her free time was devoted to her daughters, extended family and friends...what little she had.  We had a few conversations about this and then we had a few arguments about it, in the end it just was what it was.  But as I look back... no healthy marriage can exist and especially thrive if it is always the last thing you get to.  I am no fool don't get me wrong I know the insanity of a modern young family.  Both parents work, kids have school, activities, homework, then there is church, time with extended family, maybe a little time to squeeze in a few friends, usually there is work to do at home, and then don't forget keeping up with a television show or perhaps even reading a book, probably should crack the Bible once in a while, what are we forgetting?  Oh yeah, marriage.  I have heard that the ratio of marriages is beginning to swing in the positive as far as divorces are going so some people must have begun to figure out how to do this. 

Find things that are fun to do together... My wife and I liked to entertain, we didn't do it that often but when we did we enjoyed it.  We were both competitive people so games and most things that could be understood as a competition(read most things) didn't seem to go that well.  I suggested golf, she didn't have time to learn, maybe some day.  She was a runner, so I began to jog.  But its hard to do this together with little kids and she felt threatened that I was trying to take her thing.  What we did do great together was parent and play with our girls.  I feel like we were good at this, as long as I didn't have to much fun, because then she was threatened.  Because she felt like I spent so much more time with our girls than she was  Which for brief periods was true and I did get to do something's that she didn't because of my schedule. We never really found anything besides hanging out with her family that we enjoyed doing together.  We could have ran, played tennis, gone on walks/hikes, gone out to eat at fun restaurants, had people over from church, work, friends, gone to concerts together, etc.  We could have just tried to golf together.  Coulda, shoulda, woulda....but we didn't.

Communicate.  We never truly figured out how to conflict well.  We could fight.  Our usual arguments were fairly well scripted.  Begins with whatever the hot topic of the day was.... we would start talking about it, I would share my thoughts and she would respond, this was the seed of conflict it had a chance to be resolved yet.  When I responded after that she usually felt preached at or she would bring out the big guns and obliterate the emerging conflict. Here's that innocent little conflict between us, I think this way and she disagrees... there is middle ground available....but what usually happened was she would "win" by pulling out money, career, family...we would shift to that for awhile and then end in a explosion or a mute separation.   Leaving that little conflict in the dust.

I write about finding that fun thing(s) and communication because these were two of the big pieces of advice several people offered to us 13 years ago.  Those two and never use the "D" word and pray together.  When we prayed together I think we were the closest we ever were, but we were also going through a very tumultuous time with the infertility.  So many emotions....  So last year was the worst anniversary, I did buy her a gift and a card and she ignored it, but by that time she had already moved on and made up her mind.  This year this day has been strange...not necessarily horrible, just strange. 
I miss my family, I miss putting my girls to bed every night, I miss all the little things my ex and I used to laugh at and share, I miss feeling needed and like a protector, I miss a lot of things.  SO Happy Anniversary if you happen across this rambling blog post and you are married, fight to keep it healthy, make it a priority, find something fun you can do together, force yourself to communicate outside of your training and your comfort zone, and for Pete's Sake take the time to love this person you are trying to spend the rest of your life with.  Not your idea of love, what makes them feel loved.  You probably won't know how to do that they will have to train you, be trainable and be relentless in asking them to train you.  Then train them too, but do it in a graceful way. 

Good luck, it's hard.... I know.  I tried and failed. 

I have a broken lover

So this morning after last nights rough patch I woke up and prayed again, for me, for my daughters, for my ex and even for the new bf...a little bit. 

The truth is that as this continues to sink in the more real the rejection feels and the more confused I become about what went wrong.  I mean I get a few of the obvious things, those are hard to miss.  But those were later on and they were in my thought a response to the problems.  Or at least I believe the issues weakened the resolve that we both had not to make selfish choices with no regard for the consequences. 
At several points my ex has pointed out or used the logic that we were just too different, that as we grew out of the infatuation stage we grew apart.  Then she has gone on to say that our experiences just left us wanting different things.  Part of me wants to say sure some of that makes sense.  The rest of me fights that saying that may feel true, but I think that is very common and it is up to married people to fight that and choose that this will not tear them apart.  What I believe a healthy marriage does is recognize the differences and similarities and then decide together what is going to be important to you.  You share your dreams, your deep thoughts and emotions.  You live in the present, consider the future and let the past become memories and lessons. (Holding on to the good and letting the pain teach you and then fade.) 
Will a part of you always wonder what if?  Sure I think so.  But you ignore that.  There are so many what if's to life and if we focus on them we become paralyzed and/or we act on them and create pain.  Not that some what if's can't be good, but I think when comparison is what drives us, we will one never be happy and two we will cause pain to ourselves and those around us.

What does it mean to be content and to dream of a better future?  I think if you know that this person you are in a committed relationship will be by your side forever good or bad, then contentment and hope is easy.  A big part of me wonders if I will ever regain the ability to do that.  I trusted, I gave my whole heart, I was content with a life where we followed her dreams for the most part, I prayed, I invested, and I was imperfect and I sinned too.  Now I don't trust...pretty much anybody.  Everyone has an ulterior motive, everyone has a secret, everyone has a story or parts of it that I do not know...what's the point?  I will either cause pain or be hurt in the end.  Maybe someday that will change but I really believe it will never be the same.  For now that part of me and the way that I interact with people is broken.  I can honestly say that I used to love everyone.  It was easy to love, easy to just focus on the good, the part of them that was striving for love and life...that part of me has been the biggest causality personally.  The time with my daughters and my destroyed marriage are things that happened to all of us and they are worse.  But this part of me the part that offered hope, that created an environment of grace, that just flat out loved people this loss is a tragedy. 

I read this article tonight and it is good.  It sums up what I thought and what I think about a committed, relationship and seeing it with right perspective.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Donald%20Miller