Sometimes the small wins add up to something big

Yesterday I talked to some folks about how we can allow failure to define us.  As I was telling them that failure need not define us and fear of failure need not hold us back, I thought about me.  Have I done this?  Sure.  I allowed the fear of how my ex would react hold me back from confronting the ways that I felt we were slipping away.  I tried in my letter writing ways to reconnect, yet when those ways were ignored for the most part, I should have stood up and took a swing.  Instead I leaned back and let the ways that she continued to drift away just progress on like a fall leaf in a stream.  I understand that it was not just my job to keep us together, but someone had to, why not me?  I guess I knew I wasn't meeting her expectations of a husband a long time ago.  I also think that I was hoping that my strengths would out weigh my weaknesses in her eyes.  Obviously, in the end the scaled tipped the wrong way in her heart anyway and we are where we are. 

Yet, now I am in that everyday sort of fight where you roll over in the morning turn the alarm off and say I am not going to let the "I'm not good enough" lie I was told to define me and I am going to choose to believe that my identity resides in the one who loves me, created me and leads me.  Sometimes that works all day, sometimes that works until I put my feet on the ground, sometimes that works until I drop my kids of at the ex's and her BF and family are there and my youngest runs in with such excitement she forgets to give me a hug or say good bye.  Sometimes in the midst of being an afterthought for her I hear those old messages again. 

My youngest child's new question for me is why don't we see you hardly at all?  I hate this question, because she has been following it with do you miss us when we are gone?  Yes!  Do you cry sometimes?  Yep?  She gave me a stuffed animal to sleep with, I have been sleeping with it every night.  Some may see that as pitiful, not me.  I love my girls from the beginning to the end of who I am and I miss the hell out of them when I can't be with them.  A gift of love from my little one to remind me that she loves me is just what I need when I turn off the distractions and try to find sweet dreams and an anchor that will remind me I am not who my ex says that I am. 

You see I know in my heart that I am great!   I am smart, I am caring, I am a great listener, very perceptive, an intuitive empathizer, I have a great laugh, can hug with the best of them and give a killer massage among other skills and talents.  I am not weak, or a non-person, a small man, crappy husband, shitty salesman, bad conversationalist, worse arguer, unskilled or dumb.  I know that!  But sometimes its hard to remember, it's hard to not let my failure define me or the ways I was judged leading up to that epic failure not become my reality.  Today I am further along the road than I was last week, last month, last year....the voice is still there, but it is quieter for the most part.   I'll take that as a victory!

Pandora's box

Have you ever heard of the story of Pandora's box?  Pandora was given a box and told never to open it.  Of course in the end it was opened releasing envy, sickness, hate, disease, etc.   This divorce, the catastrophic things that happened leading up to it, and the wreckage that exists since has been a plague for me.  I have had to confront each of the evil spirits that "escaped" from the box on this journey.  Envy: I have been envious of people with seemingly healthier marriages/relationships than me, of the people my ex choose to reveal her inner most being too instead of me, of my ex and her time with our daughters, of the new BF(though it pains me to say that), etc.  I have felt sick both physically and emotionally over this whole affair.  When this was all going down my heart would begin to pound, I don't mean beat faster than normal, I mean pound I felt as if it would jump out of my chest and it literally caused me pain. It has happened a few times since when I allow my brain to reenter/probe those memories and emotions again.  The emotionally sickness is ongoing, I'm not sure of the total repercussions of them yet.   Hate....I can honestly say that I have never hated another person in my life.  Yet,, I had to come to this conclusion, I had to make the choice not to hate.  Because quite honestly there were people in this scenario that I reallllly wanted to hate.  Like a lot!  So even though I didn't fall down the rabbit hole, I had to stand there and let hate wash over me, tempt me if you will, and there were parts of it that felt right or at least just.  But it was just too easy, I knew there must be a catch and I believe if I would have succumbed I would have lost myself forever and it would have been a slippery slope from there to who knows where else.  Despair- I believe that this has been the most life threatening thing that has happened.  There were moments when I wasn't sure what to do, the pain and sadness came close to swallowing me whole.  I still have moments where these emotions sneak up on me, but for the most part I am becoming numb or at least aware enough to head them off before they overtake me.  Regret- I am not sure if this is evil?  Yet, I regret giving up, I regret making choices and taking actions that helped make it easier for my wife to believe divorce was a better option than marriage to me.  Judgement- Here again I am not sure this is evil.  Yet, I think when you allow something to control how you see yourself you have given it too much power over your life and that has evil written all over it to me.  I know I am judged.  At work I am the tarnished pastor who has run to a weld shop.  With others I am the damaged goods of a divorce.  At church I am someone who either screwed up bad or deserves pity.  To my ex she now treats me nice hoping to keep the peace(I think) as well as assuage her guilt over the pain she caused.  But just behind it are these reasons she left me, the things she said to me in anger, the way she treated me, the times she lost her temper, who she choose to spend time with and what she did when she was there, etc.  And perhaps the worst judgement of all now is me.  I wasn't good enough, man enough, strong enough, rich enough, safe enough, loving enough, smart enough, selfless enough, bold enough, courageous enough, good looking enough, intentional enough,...when it comes right down to it I know that I wasn't enough and I failed.  Failed at the thing that I was most passionate about and cared the most about in my life.  If I cannot succeed at that, what's worth fighting for or believing in? 

The rest of the Pandora's story is different depending on who tells it, because what was left in the box was hope.  Hope is a curious thing.  I can tell you honestly I had hope for our marriage, right up until the last day, when I walked to the court and stood behind my wife and her lawyer and listened to her answer the 4 or 5 questions that tore our family apart for good. (Two secrets:  She wanted to talk afterwards and I couldn't, I couldn't have her see me cry.  I almost ran to my car to weep and then numbly drove back to work where my co-workers graciously, for the most part ignored me and my puffy red eyes.  The second secret is even this hasn't completely killed my hope.  I know I'm an idiot and a glutton for punishment.  I believe that my ex was my person, she didn't complete me like some stupid rom-com, but she was, she is the person God bonded me to and that's it for me.  I am eternally bonded to her, no matter who she is dating, sleeping next to, etc.)  In spite of those secrets, hope is strange.  You see I have hope, not that everything will be better or normal...I wish yet I am not that naïve.  I have hope that this will not destroy me. No matter how idiotic my heart is yearning for a dead relationship.  No matter how painful this is or how little of "me" remains in the wake of all this.  No matter if the only great things in my life continue to be almost exclusively the time I spend with my daughters and the time I am looking forward to spending with them.  I have hope that I can learn to smile again.  Right now I smile with my mouth and it feels forced.  I grew up smiling from my soul and it would radiate from my whole face.  I can remember catching people of guard with my smile, not because it was striking or handsome, I am too scared for that, but it was authentic and I believe magnetic.  I just hope that my smile can spread from my mouth to my eyes and then maybe seep into the more important places.  There for a while my girls were yelling at me to smile, so I have tried to be intentional about it, but it's hard.  My heart hurts and is sad all the time and that's where my smiles came from.  So yeah I have hope that I learn to smile sometime.  Beyond that I hope that God lead's my path, path through this mine field , path of sorrow and grieving, path to substance again, path to feel like I have worth, path away from the judgments, the temptations of thinking about the life that ex is continuing on with, without me, about what she is doing with her Bf whether that be with my girls and his kids or when they are alone. (Especially when they are alone, I really hate that I have to think about this!!!!!) The path toward peace and contentment with where and who I am.  Essentially the path of life instead of death.    

made it through but in the process realized... another anniversary.

So I survived the week at the ex's, it really didn't turn out that bad... Well all up until the last night.  This was the first night I didn't collapse into bed exhausted I actually had some energy left at the end of the night, I may have had a Wicked Ale and my ex texted me about something to which I replied and then we just sort of texted back and forth for a while.  While we were texting I rolled up to bed as it was about time for me to cash in my chips.  I closed the door to my daughters room and noticed a poster.  It was a written note to my daughters from my ex in poster form and it was great.  I quickly ran to my younger daughter's room and sure enough she had one too.  They were just these little pieces of advice, but they were good.(minus the whole tearing our family apart instead of repairing the damage and reconnecting my ex is a great mom! Seriously!)  They both ended with something to the effect of don't let fear hold you back.  I am not sure what prompted me to do it, if it was that place , the nostalgia, the fun I was having with the girls, the fun banter we were having over text or what, but I sent a text to the effect of I wish I would have had the courage to not give up on our marriage. This sentiment is true. It was moment of vulnerability.  Which is okay for me to be, but maybe not with my ex so much... we have been winning this divorce thing and I don't want to be the reason we grow awkward or more distant.  

I got thinking about that moment and what might be behind that statement.  I think I just got tired of feeling like I was the only one refusing to walk away from our marriage, sick of being thought of and treated like yesterdays mistakes/trash, tired of being avoided and withdrawn from and so when she made another attempt to end it, I finally acquiesced.  If you have read this blog you know I am very much aware of my faults and mistakes; that I have owned, feel badly about and apologized for each of them.  Yet, where I know a marriage is made up of two faulty people, it is also kept together by two people refusing to quit.  My ex quit our marriage before I did.  I am not sure why she stuck around as long as she did, I think she was waiting for me to quit too?  One possibility that I pray is not true is she may have stuck it out if I would have done the same.  I don't think that's true given all the extenuating circumstances that surrounded our end, but it is something I will never have a complete answer too and will probably haunt me forever.  Was I just not strong enough....again?   

It has almost been a year since that fateful day when she told me we were done and I needed to figure out when I was going to move out. (Almost a year can it be that long...I can't believe it has only been one year...) So maybe I should put this down, how has this year been?    

Helpful:
Writing here, a few great friends who care, great family who love me all the time, running, good job that keeps me actively working- occupying my time, paying the bills and giving me something new to learn, beer at times, reading Bible, praying, up north, a church family that has given me space to transition and grieve yet allowed me to still employ the gifts and experience I have in the ministry world.

Not so helpful:
Down time for my brain to wander, my best friend moving away, seeing my daughters not nearly as much as I want to, other stuff probably the tangled mess this has made of me inside and out, too much beer, feeling sorry for myself, taking on other peoples judgments including if not most importantly my ex's. 

I wonder what a prison cell feels like?

So my ex is travelling for work and I agreed to stay at her house to hang out with my little ladies.  The idea was solid, and really it continues to be...but.  Yeah this whole journey has been full with yeah buts.  Life is messy. 

My girls board the bus here, their school clothes are here, their school routine begins and ends here, they are safe here... it was our home and it remains their home. 

On the way here they were telling me how they had a sleepover here this weekend.  With the Bf and his kids.  They all slept downstairs...all except mommy and BF.  Uggg!  I tucked my girls in, in our old bedroom and I had this sick feeling in my gut.  I couldn't help myself, I wonder what happened in here lately, what happened in here this weekend...two nights ago.  I don't want to think about it!  I try to block any route to this ugly scene in my imagination.  I have managed to do that for the most part, but going to sleep tonight... I dread that, because then I will lose control.  Night time tends to be bad at times.  Sometimes it's not, my guess is tonight will be one of the bad ones. 

I am here where many bad things went down, where I found out things about my wife, my marriage, my identity.... one of the last times I was here I left a note.  Something to the effect of, "I wish this didn't go this way."  I still wish that.  And tonight I can honestly say I am scared, scared of the ghosts that live in these walls for me.  I cannot bring myself to sleep in "that" room, so I will be sleeping in one of my daughters rooms or maybe the couch?  Or maybe I will just skip sleep...nah can't do that I have to work the rest of the week.   Tempting though.  

I guess I will just chalk this up as one more thing that I have done for my daughters, for whom I would travel to hell and back for.   If you are the praying sort...pray for me.