Tearing apart one flesh in messy

I am about to go on my first vacation as a single person...single parent that is.  I am looking forward to it, I am looking forward to 4 days off in a row. I don't  a lot of vacation yet as I recently changed careers and had to start towards the bottom of the ladder, so I am making a weekend long to make the most of my few days of vacation.  I think it will be fun...yet   there is something that is just not right about it. 

I was talking with a friend the other day and the word I used is I am in mourning.  Mourning what should not have happened, mourning the loss of so many things in my everyday and long term life, mourning what my daughters have to go through, mourning the roll I played in all of this, mourning a lot I guess.  It feels like the right word.  A while ago I was chatting with a man who had lost his wife to cancer and he was trudging through his own mourning process and he said that he thought I had it worse because my wife was gone and she choose to leave me.... ouch!  But yeah that's true.  I was reminiscing with some friends who are moving soon a few nights ago and we pointed out a few red flags, but overall we concluded it was just sad that it had come to this. 

I believe in a healthy marriage your spouse is constantly on your mind, the way you make choices, the things you decide to do, the where and then when you go places, in a mysterious way they are always there.  I think this is what the Bible refers to as one flesh.  Some people think that only refers to sex or a physical union, which is of course part of it, but I believe it is so much more.  This is how I lived, or tried very hard to live, for 13 years.  I constantly had my ex on my heart and my mind, she influenced my whole being. (I think she saw this as weakness in me...at least that's what she said to me during our not so great months.  I didn't have my own personality or I was a non-person...something like that.  it was mostly angry talk, but there is always some raw truth in angry talk.) It is very difficult and messy to untangle myself from that existence.  I find I am constantly catching myself doing this.  I have heard a theory that it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married to be healthy as a single entity.  That means this road is at least  3 years long... That also would mean that my ex is jumping into a relationship way too fast.  I pray that she is an anomaly.  Because she doesn't go alone she is bringing our two precious daughters along.  Eventually, maybe, I will have to cross that bridge too.  (Maybe not...)  Regardless, I pray that I continue to have the strength and the patience to get to a healthy place.  Healthy for me and my daughters. 

The next post perhaps I will talk about the small voice I am hearing in the back of my heart about ministry...perhaps not. 
Good night!

being left again

Sidebar from the divorce journey:
So one of the things that I basically gave up trying to appease and win approval from my ex was I distanced myself from my friends.  During the days leading up to the divorce I spent quite a bit of time rekindling some old relationships.  It has been great.  To be around people who love me and have known me for eons.  Two weeks ago I found out my best friend and one of these newly rekindled close relationships informed me that he was moving to Florida.  

On top of everything else going down this feels a little overwhelming.  I am happy for their family unit and this new adventure, but I am sad.  Honestly I am heartbroken.  The pieces of my heart that exist have been ground into smaller pieces. 
This sounds and feels like whining.  And I guess that is what it is....but still.  At least this time I'm not being rejected, just left.

What bothers me

So I got to meet the BF this past weekend...long story short had a little incident that required a quick visit to the emergency room for one of my daughters while they were with my ex and her BF.  So I was able to slap eyes on him and stand awkwardly in a waiting room while the ex changed the girls before I took them.  We proceeded to do what guys do in awkward situations we ignored each other.  It was weird. 
My ex told me she was set up by some friends with this guy..... It feels like to me that this may not indeed be true.  I don't know why this matters, I guess it just bugs me to be lied to again.  My guess is a dating site.  Not that it changes anything or should.  Mostly I just feel...I am not sure the right word- angry(maybe), disgusted(maybe), jealous(maybe), bothered...that's not a complete word but in lieu of a better one it will do. 
I am bothered, bothered by this whole situation.  Not just the fact that my ex is dating doing who knows what with this guy.  Of that I am certainly bothered.  But it is more than just this.  It is more than being betrayed, more than being lied too, more than being judged, more than being rejected, more than being erased from one half of my extended family, and ripped from my home and majority of the time with my daughters.  All of those things suck.... hard!
Maybe a little window into my soul, with help frame this.  I love people, I grew up an eternal optimist.  I get sucked in by love stories, I am a hopeless romantic.  I love to treat woman....well.  I actually enjoy watching rom-com's.  I love to laugh.  I have lived most of my life with joy in my soul.  This is my identity, it is how I was created and how I was nurtured to be.  I am bothered because I feel like this identity is destroyed.  It took a lot.  I am not sure how or even if I can ever recover it and if I do will I ever be close to the same again?  I don't have to guess.....I know the answer.  That is what bothers me.