Used by vs useful....want to?

This weekend I attended an event with our church youth group.  I love taking kids on trips like this.  It pulls them out of their normal and allows for environments where conversations that are great to share with them can happen more readily.  The speaker was the chaplain from a college and she was great!  She said many things that were profound, profound because they were simple and to the point.

She was telling a story that she was using as a metaphor to talk about how God interacts with us through pain.  Maybe you have heard this before from the Christian community that when we are experiencing pain that God will use this pain for good.   In the story she was telling she quoting a gentleman that had experienced real, catastrophic pain in his life and when someone said those words to him he responded that he is not in one good relationship where the point is to be used by the other. She was saying that God doesn't cause pain in our life so we can be used by him.  Then she went on to talk about her marriage she said that she loves her husband and in the process of life she looks for ways to be helpful/useful, but if the only reason for her marriage was that she could be helpful to her spouse it would be a crap marriage.  

This metaphor she was using to explain pain and a real relationship with God really hit home with me.  As I look back at my marriage and how I tried so desperately to show my wife love, I was constantly looking for ways to be useful to her.  I was extremely observant of the things and details that bugged her and that sapped her energy and I would just do them.  It doesn't really matter what those things were what matters is that our marriage devolved into a relationship like this.  My sole purpose on the planet was to be useful (I called it servanthood love, sounds better but doesn't change the reality)  to my ex, in a way simply used by.  I look back on that and I think that must have been very unfulfilling for her, I know it was for me. 

The more distance I get from our marriage the more I am able to see how unhealthy we were.  Do I think we should have got a divorce?  No.  But I do think we should have gotten some help, lots of help.  First of all, we should have been more open and honest in our conversation about our struggles.  Second, we should have gotten counseling long before the actions that were made that made it impossible for us to reconcile, let along seek health.  I think counselling should be viewed like actual doctors appointments, non negotiable.  We all need outside voices to help us take an honest look at ourselves and our relationship.  I know we should have been growing together in our faith.  We should have had more lovin' time.  We should have had an adventure together once in a while. 

Too bad!  I think we could have been really good together, like epically good.  One for the story books good!  Because we fit, we weren't the same, we were good at different things.  When we hit a sweet spot accidently(like my golf shots) we made each other better.  Together we were excellent at caring for and about people.  And most importantly we loved our daughters in a way that was transcendent and imminent...other worldly and every breath in every day.  We had other things that we were great at, one we lost somewhere in the pain of our journey was laughing together.  We both loved to laugh(still do).  

It's funny how everyday things in life continue to teach me lessons and reveal my involvement in the catastrophe that my marriage turned into.  I hope that although I don't believe God caused this, in fact I think the opposite that he gave us many, many opportunities to turn it around and pursue health, that he continues to place me in situations where I can be useful and just step back and say "want to?"  Want to help this young guy at work have a good perspective on parenting together, even when you don't agree?  Want to talk about your story and politics with a relatively new friend even though it costs you and makes you vulnerable?  Want to pursue teenagers and be real with them? Want to pray with people, recognize pain and more than anything else realize theirs nothing I can do except stand next to them and cry with them.  Want to.....  yeah in the midst of my everyday and ordinary life...yeah I want to.   

Peace

The fifth stage of loss is acceptance.... My marriage, my family, my life as I knew it once is over.   I think I am to the place that I am beginning to be okay with that.  After this year that seems to be almost hysterically funny, but not ha, ha funny.  I have felt s strange sense of peace, is that the right word?  I think it is.  Peace is a good feeling. 
I know I said I was going to be done writing here, but that last ending seemed incomplete. I think this is better. 

good bye for now

What do you blog about and what do you not blog about?  How deep do you go before you cross a line?  I probably have crossed the lines here a few times...yet I have been cautious to not cross the big ones here.  I have made some fairly big strides in the last few weeks I believe.  So I think it is time to stop blogging for now. 
So tonight I sign out and continue to move forward one step...one day at a time.  for now I will not delete this account but perhaps soon enough. 
Muah and good bye.

Bizaro world where to accomplish a goal I need to give up on a dream.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on?  Then in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back.  There are somethings that time cannot mend.  Some hurts that go too deep.  That have taken hold."  --Frodo Baggins

I know deep down in my heart that this is not completely true.  However, I also know that when tragedies of this magnitude occur there are parts of you that die.  The question I am trying to figure out is what do I do with the parts of me that survived.  I want these parts to thrive and to write a story of great joy for the lives of my daughters and those with whom I am blessed to be a part of their lives for however briefly. 

 So the question remains how to accomplish this?  The short answer is one day at a time.  The little bit longer answer seems to be to stop holding onto the hopeless scenario where my family could reconnect.  Where my ex would come back and together we could work through our old issues and move into a new life.  A new marriage.  I mentioned that I am trying to do that in my last post.  It is harder than I thought it would be to be honest.  Mostly because the belief I once had that love can overcome anything.  And the current belief that I currently have that there is grace in this world to smooth over every wrong doing. 

Yet, I guess if I want to achieve my goals I need to give up on my dream.  That's so messed up, normally you sacrifice to achieve your dream, not the other way around.  Yet, I do know that to accomplish just about anything that is worth doing sacrifices need to be made. 

Maybe I will win the powerball tonight and all my problems will be solved1  Ha!